


I Should Tell You

by Lethallin



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: 1980s AU, Alternate Universe, M/M, Multi, aids epidemic, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-12
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2017-12-11 14:45:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lethallin/pseuds/Lethallin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1980s AU inspired by RENT.<br/>We don't get to choose our stories, but we get to choose who to make a part of them. Bohemia has a way of bringing kindred spirits together and creating bonds. Working as a bartender in the heart of Bohemia, Fenris has never been interested in creating these bonds until a certain man makes him want to try.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is very loosely based on RENT, but definitely influenced by 80s music. I didn't live through the 80s, so some things may not be completely accurate.

It was a boring job, most of the time. The same slobbering drunks, the mediocre bands trying to make their name at some underground, smoke-filled, disease-ridden bar where the artists spent the little money they could scrounge. Always the same story. It was strange the first day that a regular wouldn't come in, but everyone knew the reason. Half the bar was infected. Hell, half of Alphabet City was infected. The dancers turned strippers, the musicians stuck in the hellhole of a bar, the screenwriters with their cameras that they protected like children. Everyone had their own story yet every story was the same.

It was his story that was different. He didn't come to the city by choice to join Bohemia and the artists. He joined the community when the only place that would hire him was the bar in the heart of the artists. His body was covered in tattoos, after all. When you had a father who was an experimental tattoo artist, you were bound to have some odd ones. What made his so striking was the white ink, the lines of scar-like color that in certain lights seemed to almost glow blue. He had allowed the tattooing for only one reason: should he refuse, his father would lose his temper and beat his sister. His father's addiction was what drove him to find any job he could; he couldn't protect his sister otherwise. His mother had died in labor, and he had assumed role of head of house at an early age.

He refused to share his real name with the patrons who asked. He refused advances, reminding himself that he needed to care for his sister. That excuse was just words now, as his sister had left for college with the money he saved during the first four years of employment. She worked a job herself, applied for scholarships, did everything that would make getting away from her home state possible. Finally, between the two of them, she had enough to make it to California to pursue a degree in business. She had left, but he had stayed at the bar. There were few places likely to hire him with his tattoos, and he would take what he could get.

If that weren't his only deterrent, the bar was the only place where the patrons cared so little about the appearances of the staff that no one commented on what he considered his most embarrassing feature. He had been born with Stahl ear deformity, giving his ears a pointed shape. It embarrassed him, and through school he had been teased, called "knife ear" and "elf boy" by classmates. As a result, he hid his ears under his bleached white hair or a beanie out of habit.

"Corff, who's playing tonight?" he asked, referring to his boss by his last name, as did everyone. He threw his bag under the bar, preparing to organize his favorite space to stand.

"Um, I think the band is called 'Lothering' or something," Corff responded, counting the cash register down to the appropriate amount. "Fenris, did you get a lot of tips last night?"

Glancing up from the glass he was cleaning, Fenris furrowed his brow, trying to remember what the night had been like. "No," he responded slowly. "It was pretty slow since there wasn't a concert crowd last night. I think I made 20 or so." Without a word, Corff walked over and handed him a twenty dollar bill. Fenris looked at his quizzically.

"We've been doing well. Take it and actually eat something, okay?" With a pat on Fenris' shoulders, Corff walked back to the register.

"Thanks," Fenris said softly. Wishing to clear the mood that had just been set, he asked, "What do you know about tonight's band?"

"My girlfriend's brother is the singer, so she begged me to let them play here. I've heard he's pretty good, but she told me the rest of the band is really there because of her brother," he admitted.

"I didn't know Bethany had a brother," Fenris said, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"She's got two, actually. Her older brother is the singer, while her twin brother is the drummer. He's supposedly pretty decent, too, but the older one is the real talent of the band. The guitarist is supposed to be pretty hot, too. Some foreign chick," the bar owner mused, a small smile playing across his lips.

"I'm sure Bethany wouldn't be too pleased to hear you talking like that," Fenris interjected with a snort of laughter. "Do you mind if I open this bottle of wine?" he asked, holding up the bottle. Corff looked at it for a moment, then nodded.

"Don't drink it all, okay?"

With a laugh, Fenris grabbed the corkscrew and opened the bottle, pouring himself a glass, then offering one to his superior. The man laughed and shook his head.

"You know I don't drink wine, Fenris. Only the hard stuff for me. No mixers, either," he said with a cheeky grin.

"Fine, fine," Fenris said, corking the bottle and putting it back. "I won't offer you a drink again, then." He turned away so Corff wouldn't see the small smirk on his face.

"Are you implying that I won't be able to drink from my own bar?" Corff asked indignantly. "I make drinks here, too!" Fenris burst into laughter, shaking his head.

"No, I just meant I won't be the one making your drinks," Fenris chuckled. He turned towards the door as it opened, revealing Corff's girlfriend, Bethany, and two men he could only assume were her brothers.

"Bethy, you never told me your boyfriend had such interesting tattoos!" the one who could only be her twin exclaimed, looking at Fenris in an almost appraising way. Bethany rolled her eyes.

"That's not my boyfriend, idiot," she said, walking up to the bar. Corff walked over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. She smiled. "We've got the equipment outside. Mind if we bring it in and get set up so the band can practice before a crowd gets in?"

"Of course," he replied, smiling back at her. Fenris snorted at the two of them, turning his back to them to wipe down the necks of the bottles.

"Excuse me," came from behind Fenris, and he turned around to see the older brother standing at the bar. He raised an eyebrow.

"Can I get anything for you?" he asked, already half-reaching for a glass.

"Could I actually just get some water? I'm gonna need it," he said, smiling crookedly at Fenris. He had dark hair, a stubbly beard, and the most piercing eyes Fenris had ever seen. In true rocker style, there were smudges of black eyeliner, but it looked like he'd had a fight with the pencil and the pencil had won.

"Sure," Fenris said, stifling a laugh. As he handed him his water, he couldn't help but add, "You might want to go look in a mirror before you perform, though. You look like a Klaus Nomi wannabe right now." Bethany's older brother gave him an odd look before setting the glass down on the bar.

"Who exactly are you?" he asked, staring at Fenris. Said man was a bit unnerved by the stare, but held it.

"I'm a bartender," he said simply. The man rolled his eyes.

"I know that, but even bartenders have names. Care to share? Mine's Garrett," he said, fingers idly tracing the rim of his glass.

Before he knew it, he blurted out "Leto. My name's Leto." Silently cursing himself, he must have shown it on his face, for Garrett raised his eyebrows.

"I'm guessing you don't tell many people that," he said slowly. A cheeky smile invaded his face. "I guess it must be my charisma and roguishly good looks that made you tell me."

"No, I don't," Fenris said stiffly. "I'd prefer it if you called me Fenris. I don't want to associate my past life with the life I have now." He turned abruptly away from Garrett.

"Oh come on now, I didn't make you say it. That was all you, my friend," Garrett said. Fenris froze, realizing the truth in his words, but also surprised at the sentiment at the end. He knew it was common, but still, it came as a surprise. With a sigh, he turned back around.

"I apologize for my curtness. I've just never told anyone since I worked here. Well, besides Corff," he admitted, a small smile gracing his face.

"It's all right. We all have our stories, don't we?" Garrett said, offering a friendly smile.

"But all the stories sound the same when you hear them enough. They blur together and become one entity so that you no longer know whose story is whose. I've heard enough pasts that sometimes I forgot my own and took on someone else's," Fenris said. "Mine is not the worst I've heard. Certainly, it was not pleasant, but I was one of the luckier ones."

"Mine sounds like a novel, in all honesty," Garrett admitted. "Mother elopes with a man her parents don't like, moves to New York, and has three children, losing her inheritance to her weasel of a brother." Fenris smiled, grateful that Garret had not asked about his. Garrett's smile fell. "Then father died in Vietnam and now Bethy, Carver, and I take care of mother."

"Why are you telling me this? We met about five minutes ago," Fenris said softly, unsure of how else to respond.

"I don't know," Garrett said honestly. "There's just something about you that I'm drawn to. Something that says I could tell you anything and you wouldn't pretend to like me out of sympathy. I like that in a man," he added, causing Fenris' eyebrows to shoot up. Was he… flirting?

With a wry smile, Fenris leaned over the bar, close to Garrett. "I don't like people, generally. But something about you draws me in," he said, echoing Garrett's statement. "Like I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me, or call me a freak, as has been done."

"About your tattoos? Or those ears I can see through your hair?" Garrett asked, and Fenris blushed madly, covering the tips with his hands. "They make you different. And in this Bohemia, where everyone's perception of unique is the same, you're quite the breath of fresh air. You don't seem to live in your past, either."

Fenris chuckled drily. "The past has ways of finding us, even when we don't want it to. It sneaks up on you, delicately working its way into your present, like hands, before it grabs you like a vice and destroys what you worked so hard to build. The past was once our present, and it's bitter at being replaced."

As Fenris turned away, he left Garrett wondering exactly what he had meant before his siblings called him over to help set up. Bethany gave him a small smile as she looked between him and Fenris.

"What do you think of Fenris, hm?" she asked, smirking as Garrett fumbled with the cords. He glanced at her.

"He's interesting," he responded vaguely, his tone of voice making it abundantly clear he didn't really want to say any more. But, of course, as the younger sister, Bethany felt it was her duty to question him.

"Those tattoos are something, huh? Apparently his father was an experimental tattoo artist and he gave those to Fenris when he was 15. It wasn't even his choice," she said softly. Garrett froze and looked at the slender bartender as the said man rolled the sleeves of his leather jacket to his elbows.

"They were forced on him?" Garrett asked quietly, turning back towards his sister. "I can't imagine how humiliating it must have been for him to explain in school."

"Corff said he used to be the brunt of the jokes in his high school. They teased his tattoos, his alcoholic father, and his ears. Poor thing," she said, giving him a sad look.

"I'm not sure he'd appreciate you talking about it," Carver cut in, carrying an amp past them. "And I can't set up the whole damn stage by myself, you—" He was cut off by the noisy entrance of a woman who caused Fenris to look up, shocked anyone could make that much noise coming down a flight of stairs.

"Bela!" Bethany exclaimed, running over to the woman (who had apparently been hitting her guitar case against the wall as she entered). She set down her case, looked around, saw Fenris, and an animalistic gleam appeared in her eyes. Ignoring her band mates, she walked straight towards him.

"Hi there, lovely," she purred, pushing her chest forward.

"Erm, hi," Fenris said nervously, looking anywhere but at her. "Did you want a drink?"

"Oh, honey," she laughed, "I always want a drink. But what I want here is you. Isabela," she said, holding her hand out in greeting.

"Fenris," he returned distractedly, gingerly shaking her hand.

"Oh come on, Isabela, you're making him nervous. Get your tan ass over here," Garrett called, much to Fenris' relief.

With a wink, Isabela turned and walked to the stage where Hawke was setting up. "Don't tell Merrill I did that," she said, loudly enough for Fenris to hear. With a shake of his head, he went back to leaning on the bar, looking around for something to do in the hour before the bar technically opened. Corff came over and gently elbowed him in the side.

"Why don't you show Garrett over there where the soundboard is?" he suggested, a slightly suggestive smirk on his face. With a sigh, he pushed himself up and over the bar, walking over to Garrett.

"We've got a soundboard if you need to take a look at it," he said. Garrett grinned and nodded. "I'll need some help carrying everything out, after I show you how it works."

"I do know how to operate a soundboard, but our sound guy, Donnic, might like to take a look at this later, too," Garrett said.

"Ours is… well, weird. Plus the guy who gave it to us scratched off all the numbers, so hopefully, he's good with levels on sight," Fenris said, leading Garrett through a door next to the bar and down a short hall. He unlocked one of three doors, shoving it open and using his foot to hold the door open. He tugged a chain to switch the light on.

"Did this used to be a cleaning supply closet?" Garrett asked, wrinkling his noise.

"Yeah, how could you tell?" Fenris asked, leaning over to look for the doorjamb.

"Smells like bleach," he said, and Fenris laughed.

"I guess when you work in a bar and get stuck cleaning bathrooms every other night, you get used to the smell of bleach. It's the only reason those things are useable," he laughed, finally finding the rubber wedge and shoving it under the door with what was probably more force than necessary. "Okay, I need you to grab this end of the table and I'll grab the other." Fenris squeezed his way inside the tiny room and grabbed the end of the table the soundboard was situated on. Garrett picked up his end easily, and they maneuvered out of the small room and into the hall.

Uncovering the board, Garrett whistled. "The guy who had this before really did a number on it, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he really did. But at a place like this, you take what you can get," Fenris said with a shrug, pointing out a few of the board's irregularities.

"At least you have one. We've been fucked over by venues that didn't tell us we needed our own. We can't exactly afford one, you know?" Garrett said, studying the board.

"Yeah, I do know," Fenris said softly, staring at his tattooed hand on the sliders.

"Hey, um, do you mind if I ask about the story behind your tattoos?" Garrett asked, wondering if what Bethany told him was true.

"I… don't know you. I am not comfortable telling you. I'm sorry. They were not my choice, though," he said, not meeting Garrett's eyes.

"We're practically best friends, you already told me your real name!" Garrett said jokingly, his laugh fading when Fenris glared at him.

"Do not remind me of the mistake I made. I am not Leto, at least not to you," he growled, startling Garrett.

"Sorry, Fenris, I…" he trailed off and Fenris sighed heavily.

"It is I who should be sorry. I am blaming you for something you had no say in. I'm making my problems yours, and we've known each other for such a short time," he said, running a hand through his hair.

"You shouldn't keep this just to yourself, you know. It's not healthy," Garrett said softly. "I'll listen and offer the impartial ear only someone you hardly know can, if you'd like."

"I… thank you for the offer, but I don't feel I can trust you yet," Fenris replied, pointedly looking at his feet.

"What would it take to make you trust me?" Garrett murmured, stepping closer to Fenris, who was too surprised to take a step back.

"I don't know," he said after a pause. "I've never had anyone want me to trust them before."

"Well, I want to get to know you. You're interesting," he said simply.

"I… I don't have a reason to refuse," Fenris said thoughtfully. Garrett smiled.

"Excellent. Now, let's get this board out there before they think we've either killed each other or are fucking," Garrett said, lifting his end of the table. Fenris started, barely managing to lift his side before the board slid.

"You are lucky that didn't slide. Corff would kill me if I broke it, as well as make me replace it," Fenris said sternly.

"You'd be dead  _and_  broke, then. Well that would suck," Garrett laughed, starting to lead out into the main bar.

"Hey, Garrett, can you put the board closest to the amps? I'll get everything hooked up, as long as the cords can reach the connectors on the board," a brown-haired man said. Garrett led Fenris to the specified area and set down the board.

"Donnic, you might want to have Fenris here show you the board. It's kind of totaled," Garrett said, wiping his hands on the front of his dark jeans. He pulled off the cover and Donnic let out a barking laugh.

"That is awful," he said, laughing.

"It still works, but it looks like shit," Fenris said, shrugging.

"I'll say it does." Fenris showed him the workings of the board before going back to the bar. It appeared the other members of the band had arrived while he and Garrett were getting the soundboard.

"Isabela, can I set up my keyboard right here?" The girl's voice was oddly airy, and Fenris could tell she was naïve, but not stupid just from her question.

"Of course, Kitten," Isabela responded, leaning over and giving her a peck on the cheek. So that must be the Mer-something she mentioned earlier, he thought.

For the first time that night, he heard an instrument playing, and looked over to see an intimidating-looking red-haired woman tuning an electric bass. Unlike the two other women in the band, she wore black pants, where they wore skirts. He made a mental note to steer clear of her, as her combat boots looked like they could crush him instantly. Her striking make-up didn't make her any less fierce, either.

Corff saw the expression on his face and walked over. "Bethany said her name was Aveline. She wanted to be a soldier, but they just started allowing women at the academies a few years ago, so she gave the whole service the bird for not taking her straight out of high school," he said. "Her husband's the sound man, and apparently, the story of how they got together is hilarious."

Fenris gave a noncommittal grunt as he took a sip of his wine that had been sitting on the counter. "She's still scary as hell," he muttered. Bethany came up and took a seat at the bar in front of him.

"So Fenris, how are you doing tonight?" she asked, offering him a smile. He returned the smile, and turned to make a gin and tonic.

"Fine, Bethany," he said, turning back and handing her the drink.

"You know me so well," she said, winking. She dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, and leaned over the bar towards Fenris. "You should keep an eye on Garrett. I think he likes you." She pulled back, giggling. Fenris stared at her.

"I…" He couldn't form words, nonplussed.

"Oh come on, how long has it been since you dated anyone?" she asked, playfully patting his arm.

"Um…" Fenris blushed. "I've never dated anyone."

"What?" Bethany shrieked, earning her a few odd looks from the members of the band. Corff, used to it, ignored her. She managed to lower her voice to normal speaking volume. "Why didn't you tell me? You made it sound like you had!"

"I don't like to talk about it," he said, still blushing. "I wasn't really liked, and I don't want my first time to be with a bar patron I may never see again."

"Well, I think you'd like Garrett if you got to know him," she said knowingly. "I know you think he's hot, don't you?"

"Yes," he replied. Bethany raised an eyebrow at his straightforwardness.

"Then get to know him! He thinks you're interesting, you know," she said.

"Yes, I do know. He told me himself, and that he'd like to get to know me," Fenris said with a chuckle.

"He's kind of an idiot sometimes, just as a warning. His sarcasm can be kind of insensitive sometimes," she said, taking a sip from her gin and tonic. She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut off by the loud feedback from one of the amps. Fenris winced and covered his ears, looking over at the stage, where Isabela was guiltily turning down the volume on her amp.

After a few minutes of tuning and last setup, the band actually began to play something. Fenris tuned them out as he wiped down tables before the bar opened. They generally got a bigger crowd on nights when a band was playing, mostly because band members invited friends, but also because the bar was much less a place to drown the miseries of life on concert nights.

The band started playing about an hour after the bar opened, filling the room with much more noise than the patrons already did. Behind the bar, Fenris was busy mixing drinks for those situated on the stools, rather than at one of the tables, most of which were full. It was good for business, but usually left both he and Corff drained by the end of the night. Concert nights were great for tips, too.

"Hello, starving artists of Alphabet City," Garrett began from the stage, drawing a laugh from the audience. "We are Lothering, and we're gonna start tonight with an oddly ironic song for this audience. I'd like to dedicate this cover of Depeche Mode's Blasphemous Rumours to those who have lost someone, or are currently losing someone, to AIDS." With that, the band began to play, and Fenris, who had finished mixing the last drink that had been ordered, froze, having missed the introduction, as he recognized the song.

He stared at the stage, furrowing his brow. The band wasn't bad, really. When Garrett opened his mouth and sang, though, he commanded the attention of the entire room. Fenris gaped at him. Corff wasn't kidding when he had said Garrett was the real talent of the band. Tearing his gaze away when he felt a tap on his shoulder, he began mouthing the words to what was one of his favorite songs. Unable to help himself, he danced a bit while making the scotch and soda that had been ordered. Looking back at the stage, he saw Garrett looking at him with a smirk. They locked eyes as he sang and Fenris pantomimed the words, a defiance in Fenris' gaze.

"Now I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours, but I think that God's got a sick sense of humour, and when I die, I expect to find him laughing," Fenris said, totally inaudible over Garrett's singing. It really was an ironic song for the crowd, but strangely fitting. His smirk widening, Garrett broke the stare, turning his attention back to the audience as a whole. Coming back to himself, Fenris realized he still held the scotch and soda in his hand and apologetically set it down in front of the customer.

"He's good, huh?" the customer yelled over the sound of the music.

"No kidding!" Fenris replied. This particular man was a regular of the bar, a writer. He tended to serenade people with his poetry, including Fenris. As the song ended, the bar exploded in shouts and whistles. Fenris had never heard a reaction like that to any of their performers, but then they'd never had a band with that much talent.

"We're going to go now to a Blondie song that doesn't really make sense, but what really does in music these days? Rapture, featuring Aveline Vallen on the spoken verses," Garrett said, gesturing to the woman that Fenris had decided to steer clear of. She smiled and her facial features softened, and Fenris was suddenly less intimidated. He wasn't a huge fan of the song, so he began to tune it out while attending to the people who had approached the bar during the break between songs. The bar was beginning to get truly packed, and he was busy through the end of the song.

The band played for an hour before Garrett announced they would be taking a break and playing again in half an hour. The band all made their way to the bar, where the audience, for once, was willing to get off their stools to give them a place to sit. Fenris made their drinks and naturally settled himself in front of Garrett.

"Do you only play covers?" Fenris found himself asking over the chatter.

"No, the second half will be original songs only," Garrett replied. "Our songwriter isn't here tonight, but he writes down the thoughts I can't put into words. Ah, Varric," he said affectionately. "He always seems to know what I'm feeling and exactly how to turn it into poetry. I can't write for shit." He laughed. Fenris smiled in amusement.

"I know the feeling," he said.

"So what do you do besides bartending?" Garrett asked, taking a drink of what Fenris thought was a rather odd drink: vodka, ginger root, ginger ale, and cucumber, but apparently it was good.

"This is my profession," Fenris said, gesturing to the bottles of alcohol on the wall. He suddenly blushed as he sheepishly added, "I like to dance, though."

"Then maybe you should dance with me, sometime," Garrett said, a gleam in his eyes.

Fenris looked taken aback at the suggestion, then blushed, remembering the conversation he'd had with Bethany before the band played. "Perhaps," Fenris finally said, unable to meet Garrett's eyes.

"Aww, Garrett, don't embarrass him!" Bethany had sidled up beside her older brother, chuckling at Fenris' red face. She leaned into Garrett and whispered something that caused him to grin and give her a knowing look.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to," Garrett said, and Fenris shrugged.

"I don't mind," he said, pouring himself another glass of the wine he'd had earlier. Before he could lift it to his mouth, Garrett snatched the glass from his hand and took a sip. "I do, however, mind that," Fenris said, reaching to retrieve the glass. "Buy your own." Garrett chuckled and handed him the glass.

"Too expensive," he said simply. As Fenris took a drink, he smirked and said, "We just indirectly made out, you know." Fenris began to cough, choking on the wine that was in his throat. After a moment, he took a deep breath and stopped coughing, his face red from both choking and from embarrassment. His eyes wide, he looked at Garrett with no idea how to respond. He never thought he'd be so grateful to hear Isabela call his name and order another drink, her arm slung around Merrill's shoulders.

"So you and Hawke, hmmm?" she pressed, grinning like a cat.

"Oooh, are you dating him?" Merrill asked, an excited smile on her face.

"Who, Garrett? No, I'm not," Fenris said slowly.

"But you want to be, right? You want him to bend you over this bar," Isabela purred, delighting in how red Fenris' entire face, neck, and ears became. "You definitely want to ride that."

"But what would he be riding?" Merrill asked, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Hawke's not a horse, is he?"

"Oh Kitten," Isabela said affectionately, kissing her nose, "I'll teach you when we get home." Fenris raised his eyebrows, still blushing, and walked back to his glass of wine. Corff had apparently given Garrett a tequila shot while he was serving Isabela.

"You should probably wait until after you're finished performing to drink any more," Fenris suggested pointedly.

"I can hold my liquor, thank you very much," Garrett said with a grin. "But we should get performing again. I'll be back. Don't go home with any other strange men, beautiful." With a wink, Garrett stood and headed back to the stage. Fenris called Bethany over.

"Does Garrett flirt with everyone like this?" he asked, a little bewildered by how forward Garrett was.

"No, there's only one other person he's ever flirted with like that. Guy named Anders. Don't ask him about it though. They were together for 3 years before Anders left him to get married to some rich bitch," Bethany said, contempt for the man clear in her voice. "That was 2 years ago, though. He's been kind of withdrawn ever since, and he doesn't flirt with people much. He's got good reason, though." She sighed sadly, looking at Garrett with a rueful smile.

"Wow, that's… horrible," Fenris said softly.

"Yeah. They lived together, too, in this studio apartment. Anders used to paint all the time, the walls, canvas, anything he could get his hands on. When he left, Garrett destroyed the apartment in hurt rage, ripping up his paintings, scraping the paint off the walls… I can't believe he still lives there. It reminds him of the betrayal every day, I just know it," she said. "He's needed someone like you to come and erase the memories for him."

"I…" Fenris began, looking to the stage with a new perspective at the man at the microphone. "Perhaps, if he really is interested, something may come of it. I won't deny I'm attracted to him, though I doubt I'm what he needs."

"Hello again," Garrett said from the stage, grinning. "This time, we'll be playing original songs and original songs only, written by our absentee songwriter, Varric Tethras, the man who can take what I spew out and turn it into poetry." A ripple of laughter made its way through the bar. "This first song is called Twelve A.M." Fenris saw Bethany sigh.

"This song was written about a month after Anders left him. He was so depressed. Aveline had to stay with him for days on end to make sure he ate and slept and didn't kill himself," Bethany choked out. Fenris could already feel the emotion in the haunting keyboard introduction.

_It's twelve a.m._

_The clock ticks the seconds away_

_Another moment lost_

_In my miserable mind_

_It's twelve a.m._

_I've felt this all before_

_Every night it haunt me_

_The hands of my internal clock ticking_

_Winding my heartstrings tighter_

_How long until they break?_

Fenris felt his chest tightening at the raw emotion in both the words, and in Garrett's voice. He felt the pain, and suddenly knew that he wanted to make Garrett write about something other than that pain. As the song went on, he remembered the situation with his own father. He realized he knew what Garrett was singing about; he had felt it himself.

_It's twelve a.m._

_I chime with an inaudible pain_

_Which I vomit onto paper_

_Expelling from myself_

_That which always finds a way_

_To return_

_To eat my soul away_

_It's twelve a.m._

_When will the clock stop ticking_

_Stuck at this damned time_

_Stuck in hours of darkness?_

_I wait for the hours to run their course_

_For this ephemeral life to end_

_It's twelve a.m._

_And there is silence._

The song ended with pure, unaccompanied voice, and Fenris felt something inside him break. He sank to his knees behind the bar and buried his face in his hands, his body wracked with sobs. For the first time, he was crying, hit to the core by Garrett's words and the chilling emotion of the music. He didn't notice Corff walk up until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Fenris, you should take a break. Go clean yourself up and get some air, okay? I can handle it," Corff said softly, and Fenris nodded, tears still streaming from his eyes. He quickly made his way to the bathroom, not noticing Garrett's gaze following him.

Gripping the edges of the sink, Fenris took a deep, shuddering breath. He looked up into the cracking mirror and looked at his red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes, at the white hair that hung in his face, at his deformed ears, and at the start of the tattoo. With a growl, he turned and beat the flat of his hand against the wall, leaning his forehead against the white concrete. Every time he looked in the mirror, he was reminded of what his father had done, beyond the physical. Damn the bastard who had taken every chance he had at a normal life.

Sighing, Fenris turned the faucet on and splashed cold water onto his face, leaning over the sink and just holding his face in his hands for a moment. He straightened and turned to tear off a paper towel. He started when he saw Garrett standing just inside the door; he hadn't heard it open.

"Shouldn't you be out there performing?" Fenris asked, cursing the fact that his voice was shaking.

"I always give Isabela a set. She's performing four songs now," he said. Fenris snorted.

"That seems awfully convenient," he muttered.

"Okay, fine, I saw you walk out and asked if she'd do her set now rather than after another few songs," Garrett admitted. He approached Fenris. "Are you okay?" His voice was soft and concerned.

"Bethany told me what the song was about," Fenris said, dodging the question. He wasn't sure of the answer, truthfully. "More accurately, who."

"Oh." Garrett looked down, sighing heavily. "I… it was a hard time."

"I gathered that."

"Really, though, are you okay?" Garrett asked, anxious to get away from the direction the conversation had headed. With a frustrated sigh, Fenris glared at Garrett.

"No, I'm not. I have never cried in my life until now and it's because of someone I just met. Because I realized I understand that pain you sang about, because I had an alcoholic father who left me to fend for myself and my sister and to protect her from his drunken desires by taking her place!" Fenris found himself essentially vomiting words with little control over them in his sudden anger. "He used to beat me and make me sleep with him and then leave the house until the next night, when it would repeat itself. He gave me these tattoos when I was fifteen,  _fifteen_ , and I didn't want them! I screamed the whole time and he just left me in pain, and I was forced to simply wait every night, listening to the clock chime every hour, just to make sure he didn't hurt my sister! I never cried through any of that, but you, you reach inside me and twist the shield I had built so carefully and make me break down and remember everything he did!" With a choked sob, Fenris violently turned and kicked one of the stall doors, breaking it off its hinges. "I don't know why, but you have made me remember the things I never wanted to," he snarled, his fingers itching to throw something with all of his strength. "Why? Why did you have to show up?"

"I'm… I'm sorry," Garrett said softly, hesitantly reaching out and touching Fenris' forearm. He jerked away from the touch.

"I've told you far too much," Fenris said, sinking to his knees. "I worked so hard to forget, but you make it far too easy to remember." Garrett knelt in front of him.

"People who share pain are drawn to each other. Maybe if you tried your hand at poetry or something it would help? I sing about it," he suggested. To his shock, Fenris moved forward and took his hand.

"How many times did you want to take your own life in your hands?" Fenris asked quietly. He wasn't really expecting an answer; it was a very personal question for someone he had only met earlier that day (even if he had basically yelled his life story at him).

"Almost every day for a year," Garrett finally whispered. "It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I wanted to forget, until Bethany and Aveline made me realize that it was a time to make myself stronger, not to break myself into even smaller pieces. I needed to really remember everything first, though. It was the first step to making myself into a better person."

"You've been through such heartbreak, but you still can laugh at yourself and act as if it never happened," Fenris mused, to which Garrett shook his head.

"I don't pretend it never happened. I turned it into something that proves I am strong," Garrett explained, gently rubbing his thumb along the back of Fenris' hand.

"Is it really that simple, though? What if he were to come back? How would you react?" Fenris asked, struggling to see the benefit of letting himself remember.

"I don't know, Fenris. I'd probably punch him for everything he did. I loved him for a while after he left, then I discovered some things and I just couldn't bring myself to love him anymore. Maybe that means I never really did," he said, getting to his feet and pulling Fenris up. He pulled the slender man into a tight embrace. Fenris was too surprised to shy away from the contact.

"It will never get easier to deal with. What will happen, though, is that you'll find it's less painful over time, as you let yourself remember and see how it turned you into who you are," Garrett whispered, just holding Fenris for a moment before he stepped back. "I should go back out there now. I'll talk to you again after we're done, all right?" Fenris nodded mutely.

After Garrett left, Fenris ran his hands through his hair in frustration. Garrett just seemed to make him  _want_  to talk, perhaps because he felt he would understand. Perhaps it was because he hadn't made fun of Fenris, but had instead wanted to become friends with him. Or perhaps it was because he had never been interested in anyone who wanted to hear what he had gone through. It was liberating, to simply let it all out, but also alarming that he hadn't been able to control it. With a sigh, he turned towards the door and went back to his place at the bar.

The band finished out their show and the patrons who had just come for the music began to trickle out, leaving the bar much easier to navigate. Bethany came and sat in front of Fenris again as the band members carried equipment out.

"I saw you leave during the first song. Everything all right?" she asked, gently putting a hand on his arm.

"I think so. I got some… enlightening advice from Garrett," he said. "And accidentally told him everything when he asked if I was okay a second time." He knew Corff had confided most of what Fenris had told him in Bethany. It was a lot to know about a person, and Corff had wanted to get some of it off his chest. After meeting Bethany several times, he finally gave his employer his permission to tell her. To his relief, she had never brought the topic up, and it was nice to have another person to talk to, one who was a little wiser about emotion than Corff was.

"Oh, Fenris… Are you okay with that?" she asked, her eyes full of concern. "He would never tell anyone, but I'm sure you still think he's too unfamiliar."

"I think I am okay with it, actually. He didn't try to push the topic, nor did he suddenly treat me like an invalid," Fenris admitted. "Maybe I wanted someone who would be able to relate to me to know." Bethany smiled.

"I personally think you should get to know him. I'd like to see both of you happy." Her eyes twinkled as she smiled. "I feel like you would complement each other well."

"I wouldn't mind getting to know him," he said, his cheeks tinged pink. "I've never really liked anyone I had a chance with. This is weird, honestly." He laughed, and Bethany patted Fenris' arm before withdrawing the hand she had forgotten was on his arm.

"Hey there, bartender, how about a stiff one?" Fenris turned to see Isabela waggling her eyebrows at him, leaning over the bar. He rolled his eyes and walked over to her. "How about Hawke's stiff one?" She grinned at his blush.

"How about you actually tell me what you want to drink?" he shot back, raising his eyebrows.

"Oooh, getting a little worked up, are we?" She smirked and rested her chin on her hand. "I'll take a sex on the beach, doll face." Fenris snorted.

"I should have known. It would have been either that or a slippery nipple," Fenris muttered, turning to mix it for her. Bracing himself for whatever comments she would throw at him, Fenris handed Isabela her drink.

"I just knew you'd give me sex on the beach," she purred. Fenris smirked as Merrill gently swatted Isabela on the back of the head, having just walked up.

"Bela, it would be nice if you didn't flirt with him," she said in a way that made Fenris wonder if there was anyone that disliked her.

"Sorry Kitten," Isabela replied, offering her glass to her girlfriend. Fenris shook his head and made his way to Aveline and Donnic, who were waving him down.

"Where does your sound board go?" Donnic asked.

"Hold on, I'll be right around to help move it," he said, wiping his hands on his pants. He made his way to the table with the board and started to lift one end.

"We'll carry it, you just show us where to go," Aveline said with a smile. She and Donnic easily lifted the table and followed Fenris back to the storage room. They got it settled and Fenris was closing the door when he heard screams and cheers coming from the bar.

"Oh lord, did Garrett get a Flaming Doctor Pepper again?" Donnic asked, and Fenris stared.

"I've only made that once," Fenris said. "Does he get those often?"

"Unfortunately. He gets drunk easily off of those, too," Aveline said, rolling her eyes. "He thinks he can handle his liquor, but even his sister has him beat there."

"She can handle almost anything, though. I was amazed when she went through as much as she did the night she met Corff," Fenris laughed. He resumed his place behind the bar, turning to Corff. "Did he get a Flaming Doctor Pepper?" Corff nodded, smirking.

"Feeeenriiiis," Garrett called, a pout on his face. "My glass is empty." Fenris raised an eyebrow. Was he really this much of a lightweight?

"And is there something you'd like me to do about that?" Fenris asked, earning a snicker from Isabela and a whine from Garrett. If he wasn't drunk, he was getting there fast.

"Make me a B-52 Gunship, pretty please?" Garrett asked.

"You want absinthe? Are you sure you can handle it?" Fenris raised his eyebrows and Garrett nodded enthusiastically. With a shake of his head, Fenris carefully built the drink, handing to his intoxicated new friend. He downed it quickly and slammed the glass on the bar.

"Don't break the glass or you pay for it," Fenris said threateningly. With a laugh, Garrett leaned over the bar.

"Can I choose how I pay?" he asked, and Fenris turned to face him.

"What?" he said, bemused. With a grin, Garrett grabbed the front of Fenris' tank top and pulled him close.

"Like this," he whispered and pressed his lips to Fenris'. Fenris froze for a moment before pushing Garrett off him, and stumbling backwards and nearly falling.

"You're drunk right now.  _Don't touch me_ ," Fenris hissed, approaching Garrett and reversing the positions they had been in. His face inches from Garrett's, he was seething. "If you touch me again, you are no better than the abusive father I dealt with.  _Do. Not. Touch. Me. Without. My. Permission."_ With an angry growl, Fenris pushed Garrett back, turning away and walking to the other end of the bar.

"I wouldn't try to talk to him again until you're sober," Corff recommended, denying Garrett his next drink. "Come back tomorrow night and apologize." With a sigh, Garrett nodded and left the bar, his younger brother ready to drive him home. Getting to know him was going to take a while.

 


	2. Foggy Notions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit of a short one, compared to the last, but that's okay.

That night, Fenris lay in his bed, his mind working furiously. How dare he! How dare Garrett kiss him after everything he’d admitted? What gave him any right to lay his hands on him? Especially when he was drunk and reeked of alcohol. The audacity of some men! With a half-snarl, Fenris turned on his side and roughly pulled his blanket over him.

                “God damn it,” Fenris growled, throwing his blanket off and standing up. He started pacing mindlessly in the small bedroom, making large, frustrated gestures with his hands. Was it not enough that he had told Garrett everything? Did he have to humiliate him too? Make him feel dirty all over again, like his father had? If he hadn’t been drunk, things might have been different, but the smell of beer and rum was just too similar. Fenris shuddered, his arms wrapping around his bare torso as he took a deep, ragged breath.

                He began to unconsciously claw at his skin, drawing blood in a few places. The sudden sting alerted him to his actions, and he shakily withdrew his arms, staring down at his hands in disbelief. He hadn’t done that to himself for months since he moved out. With a sigh, Fenris made his way to his bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. The diagonal scratches were mostly welts, but a few had broken and slowly bled, tiny rivulets of red dancing around his tattoos.

                He reached for a washcloth and soaked it in the lukewarm tap water, gingerly patting the scratches. His stress mechanism was triggering again; this was not a good sign. It had started when his father had started coming home drunk, around when he was 12. The first night his father had been drunk enough to try to get into his bed, Fenris took a scalding hot shower and tried desperately to scrub the traces of the alcohol-laden touches off him to the point where he was clawing at his own skin. That was before the tattoos.

                The night he was given the tattoos, he couldn’t even move from his bed for the pain. No painkillers were offered, and all he could do was lay on the rough blanket, every move scraping some tattoo line. There was no way for him to lay comfortably; the tattoo snaked over nearly every inch of his skin. It had all been done in one sitting, one drunk, painful, horrible sitting. Fenris had passed out once, hoping to wake up to find it was all over, but when he awoke, he was still being given the tattoos. Once they had healed, Fenris would wake up because he had been scratching at them in his sleep. It gradually became an unconscious thing, and 11 years after the first time he had done it, he had finally been able to stop. Now it was starting again.

                With a frustrated growl, Fenris dropped the washcloth into the sink and turned to face his shower. He turned the water on, not caring that he had no hot water, and filled the tub. He slid off his pyjama pants and stepped into the water. The temperature caused his skin to break out in gooseflesh. He sank down, bending his legs and resting his head on his knees. Everything he remembered, what good would it serve? Garrett had said that remembering is the first step to moving on. His jaw automatically clenched at the thought of the singer.

                He knew the man had been drunk, but drunkenness was never a justifiable excuse. He had learned that early on; it would always provide a safety net of an excuse. His father would always fall back on it whenever he hurt Fenris. Every time he was sober, he swore he would never do it again, but as soon as the alcohol impaired his judgment, he became the monster. He knew that not every drunk man was his father, and he also knew that not every drunk man was abusive. Some men at the bar would break down when they were drunk and end up sobbing into their drinks, at which point either Corff or Fenris would cut them off, and someone would usually lend an ear to an all-too-familiar plight. But still, the scent of alcohol on a man’s breath in his face brought too many memories and accompanying emotions.

                With a bitter sigh, Fenris was reminded of the irony of where he worked. Perhaps his sense of security came from Corff and his perceptiveness of when a situation was about to get out of hand. When he thought about his place in life, he would come to the conclusion that he had been exceedingly lucky in finding an employer like Corff. He couldn’t imagine his life without the job he worked.

                He stayed motionless for another moment, then reluctantly straightened his legs as much as he could in the small bath tub, slowly relaxing and leaning back, his back resting against the edge of the ceramic tub. He sighed and closed his eyes.

                ---

                Waking up slowly, Fenris stretched out, amazed that he had fallen asleep in the bath tub. The water was as cold as ever, and his muscles were horribly sore from sleeping half-sitting for however long it had been. Standing up with some difficulty, Fenris grabbed his towel and dried himself off, redressing himself into his pyjamas. Glancing at the small clock on the counter, he sighed. Five a.m. He’d been asleep for almost an hour.

                He was too tired to let his mind work as it had earlier, so he just threw himself down on to the bed and embraced his pillow, easily falling asleep again.

                ---

                When Fenris arrived at the bar that night, he was greeted by the sight of Bethany and Corff deep in conversation, and sitting morosely beside them was Garrett. Fenris half made up his mind to tell Corff he wasn’t feeling well and go home. His body tense, he made his way behind the bar and put down his bag, pointedly ignoring Garrett. His back to the bar, Fenris angrily wiped down the bottles of alcohol and put them back with more force than was necessary.

                “Fenris?” A voice came from behind him.

                “What?” Fenris growled, whipping around.

                “Err… I was just going to pick up something to eat,” Corff said, a little nonplussed. “I was going to ask you if you could count the drawer out to two hundred and if you wanted anything.”

                “Oh. If you go somewhere with fries, that sounds good,” Fenris said with an apologetic smile. As Corff left, his arm around Bethany, Fenris realized he was being left alone with Garrett. He gave the man in question a glance, then turned away. Silence reigned for a few moments.

                “I’m sorry.”

                Fenris sighed and put his rag down and turned to face Garrett. “It does not excuse what happened,” he said.

                “I know. I just,” Garrett paused, taking a deep breath. “I just do stupid things when I drink too much. I had no concept of self-control. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was beating myself up for being an asshole.” Garrett’s hand on the bar twitched as if he were going to reach out but stopped himself.

                “Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much, then,” Fenris said, preventing himself from snapping at him. Something flashed in Garrett’s eyes that Fenris couldn’t place. If he had to hazard a guess, he would have said pain.

                “I have my reasons to drink,” Garrett said softly, obviously struggling to keep from glaring at Fenris. “Anders took a lot of me when he left. I don’t usually use alcohol to replace it, but sometimes shit gets so hard to deal with that I need it. And then I do even more that I end up regretting.”

                Fenris sighed heavily, running a hand across his face. “We both have our demons, Garrett,” he finally said. “The crux of the matter is succumbing to their grasp, their honeyed touches and sweet words whispered into our minds. Believe me, I know what it’s like to give in, but everyone who has their demons must be aware of how they can destroy you and the people around you. Your demons caused mine to stir and forced me into an emotional place I did not want to be in. A place I thought I’d escaped by this time in my life.” The initial anger was actually beginning to subside, being replaced by the heaviness of heart that seemed to follow anger all too often.

                “Carver says I’m a selfish bastard most of the time,” Garrett said, his voice full of a biting self-deprecation. “I have to say, after the debacle I made of myself last night, I’m inclined to agree. I only thought of what the outcome would be for me, not of your reaction.”

                “I never said you were a selfish bastard,” Fenris said with a small groan. “I said you didn’t think. That you need more self-control.” He leaned forward until he was in Garrett’s face. “I won’t say I don’t blame you, because I think that you are mostly at fault, but it is not an impossible thing to forgive. You would not have known that I would react as I did because we had only just met. My anger blinded me to what you would and would not know. I could not expect you to know me well after a few brief conversations.” Garrett was looking at Fenris with a hopeful expression on his face.

                “Then… you think that this,” he gestured between the two of them, “could have possibility of at least being a friendship?” Fenris had to suppress a small smile at Garrett’s expression; he looked like a kicked puppy.

                “I think that if we tread carefully, then yes, a friendship is a possibility for now,” he replied, cautiously placing a hand on Garrett’s arm. “I have not forgiven you yet, but I am giving you a chance to prove to me why I should.” Garrett smiled.

                “Then how about to start, I take you to coffee tomorrow before you work? I’d like to just sit and talk for a while,” Garrett suggested. After a thoughtful moment, Fenris nodded. As he pulled his hand away, Garrett gently gripped Fenris’ wrist. “Thank you,” he said, releasing it.

\---

                The rest of the night was uneventful. There was no concert crowd, so the night’s patrons were the usual men and women who made the bar one of their regular haunts. Garrett stayed through most of the night, drinking water and soda (mostly because Fenris flat-out refused to serve him alcohol, to which Corff and Bethany agreed quickly), and carrying on snippets of conversation with Fenris when he wasn’t busy serving other customers.

                During the course of the night, they decided to meet at one of the Starbucks near the bar. They were starting to really take over some of the smaller coffee shops, as Garrett pointed out, and would likely be the most comfortable place for them to just sit and talk. Fenris agreed.

                ---

                Standing in the Starbucks line, Fenris felt vaguely uncomfortable. The coffee shop was loud, but not terribly crowded, given that not many people were drinking coffee at 4 in the afternoon. As he got to the front of the line, he realized that he had no idea what to order. A little nonplussed, he opened his mouth to ask what the barista recommended, but was cut off.

                “Two white mochas,” came from over Fenris’ shoulder and he turned to glare at the asshole who had butted his way in, and saw Garrett. The indignation faded, but he still gave a glare for good measure. The barista looked at Fenris, unsure what to write down.

                “He’s with me,” Fenris assured the confused worker, who shrugged and gave the order to his coworker. As Fenris reached for his wallet, Garrett smiled.

                “I’ll get it,” he said, to which Fenris nodded with a small smile. “Sorry I’m a little late, by the way.”

                “It’s all right. I obviously wasn’t waiting for a long time, as I was still in line,” Fenris assured him, feeling himself relax just a little. “Where do you want to sit?”

                “How about by the window there?” Garrett gestured to a small table by the front window, and Fenris made his way over to it. Taking a seat, he put his small bag next to the chair and pulled his rolled up sleeves down to his wrists. It was fairly cold in the coffee shop.

                When the coffees were ready, Garrett came and joined him at the table, handing Fenris the warm cup. Holding it with both hands, Fenris took a tentative sip. It was hot, and kind of burned his tongue, but it tasted good. He made a face of approval and looked up at Garrett, who was watching him expectantly.

                “Like it?”

                “Yes, actually,” Fenris replied, offering him a genuine smile.

                “Good! I found it’s pretty foolproof, even if it is sweeter than a lot of people like their coffee,” Garrett said, taking a drink of his own. “It’s been my favorite kind of coffee for a long time.”

                “I don’t like overly bitter coffee, though. Corff always laughs at me when I make coffee at the bar because I add so much sugar and cream,” Fenris chuckled. “I just don’t like bitter foods in general, though.”

                “What kinds of food do you like?”

                “I really like Thai food. A lot of it is a little too spicy for me, but I love what I can handle,” Fenris said with a smile. “But I would probably eat about anything you put in front of me.”

                “My sister loves Thai food, too. Carver will hardly eat anything, though. It made my job as family cook a lot harder,” Garrett laughed. “I’m definitely not a picky eater. If I had my choice, though, I’d go for Greek food. It’s delicious.”

                “I don’t think I’ve ever tried any Greek food,” Fenris admitted, trying to think of anything he’d ever eaten.

                “Gyros? Falafel? Tabouli salad?” Garrett tossed out suggestions, to which Fenris repeatedly shook his head. Looking mock-affronted, Garrett put a hand on his hip. “Well, we need to get you to a gyro vendor. It’s good. You’re not a vegetarian, are you?”

                “No, I’m not,” Fenris snorted, trying to imagine himself not eating meat for the rest of his life. “I’m skinny enough as it is, I need the protein.”

                “Good. I mean, there’s a lot of good vegetarian Greek food, but the meat is amazingly good,” Garrett said, rubbing his stomach as if just thinking about it made him hungry. “The spices that are used for shawarma and the gyros are just…” Garrett closed his eyes and made a contented humming sound. Fenris laughed.

                “Sounds like you just need good food and you’re set,” he laughed, taking a drink from his coffee.

                “Well, yeah. Good food, good company, and a bed to sleep in. That’s really all I ask from life, especially nowadays,” Garrett said, smiling. Fenris could have sworn he saw the smile falter for a split second, but thought nothing of it. “But to me, most food is good.”

                “I have to agree with you there. When you’re not exactly living the luxurious life, you have to take what you can get.” Fenris shrugged. “I’m not a picky eater, though, so that makes it a whole lot easier for my budget.”

                “I don’t have to worry about rent anymore, I actually bought the place that I live in,” Garrett said with a satisfied smile.

                Fenris looked over at him, biting his lower lip. “Is that… the place you lived in with…” He felt guilty asking, but he was curious.

                “With Anders?” Garrett asked, pursing his lips and sighing. “Yeah. It is. I’ve changed it, though, so that it’s not just a place that has memories of him.” He looked at the floor and sipped his coffee.

                “Sorry I asked,” Fenris said softly. Garrett looked up at him and offered an understanding smile.

                “No, it’s fine. I’ve… well, I’ve moved on as much as I ever will.” He swirled the coffee in its mug, letting a somewhat tense silence settle.

                “Do you still love him?” Fenris wasn’t sure where the question came from, but he couldn’t help asking. “You don’t have to answer that,” he added when he thought about how personal that question really was. He remembered that Garrett had actually answered that question the first night they had met, and felt increasingly stupid.

                “I don’t hate him, if that’s what you’re asking. I still love him in a different way than I did. Even with the way he hurt me, he was such a huge part of my life that to hate him would be more poisonous than accepting that his love and my love for him turned me into who I am, and so I guess I’d say I still love him as a friend. If he came back, I would turn him away. I don’t love him the way I used to, in any case,” Garrett said. Fenris was surprised that he answered so frankly. “I told you, I’m interested in you, Fenris. You should know these things, even if I wouldn’t normally talk about them. But then, I do get accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve a little too much.” He smiled sadly. “I know I said I didn’t love him, and it wasn’t a lie. I don’t love him in the way you asked.”

                “That’s not a bad thing,” Fenris assured him. He reached out and put a hand on Garrett’s arm. “I’ve never fallen in love, so I can’t say I understand how you feel. I do know what it’s like to love someone as a friend, though.” He smiled at Garrett, patting his arm and withdrawing his hand.

                They both sat without speaking, simply drinking their coffees.

                “So what did you think of my band’s music?” Garrett asked, a roguish grin on his face.

                ---

                “How did your coffee date go?” Bethany asked, sitting on the couch in her brother’s flat with a mug of tea. Garrett turned from making his coffee and rolled his eyes.

                “It wasn’t a date, Bethy,” he said. “It was him giving me another chance to not be a fuck-up.”

                “Fine. Well, how did it go?” she grinned at him and he grinned back.

                “It was good! We got to know each other a lot. Like, I now know he likes Thai food, has never had Greek food, thinks that people who wear sunglasses at night are douchebags unless they’re blind, and wants to teach dance someday,” he said, sitting down next to his sister.

                “Wow, I don’t know if Corff even knows that much. I mean, they’re friends, but mostly in a boss and employee kind of way. Good for you!” she said, playfully elbowing Garrett in the ribs. “I was gonna ask if he got a chance to talk with the amount you like to talk about yourself.” She gave him a sly grin, and he stuck his tongue out at her.

                “Actually, he did ask about Anders,” he said, trying to maintain a cheerful attitude. Bethany raised her eyebrows.

                “How did you feel when that happened?” she asked, putting an arm around his shoulder. He leaned his head on her shoulder.

                “It wasn’t bad, actually. He asked if I still loved Anders, and I really had to think about it. I think I love him the way I would love a friend. I could never hate him, you know? Even though… well, he was just a big part of me and he helped me become who I am,” Garrett said softly, leaning into Bethany when she began to absentmindedly play with his hair.

                “I’m guessing you haven’t told him about...” she trailed off, afraid to say it.

                “Of course not! I’ll tell him eventually, just… not yet. Not until… well, not until it’s gotten to the point where it will be an issue,” Garrett said, forcing a bitter smile.

                “I think you should tell him sooner, actually. Don’t wait until you’re about to have sex. Once you feel like you trust him enough and know him well enough that he’s not going to go running, okay? Telling him will show him that you trust him and it will probably be the make-or-break factor. If he really does fall for you, then he won’t let it push him away,” Bethany murmured, pulling her brother into a hug.

                “Yeah, you’re right. It’s just not something you can bring up in any old conversation. ‘Hello, how are you, I’m fine, thanks, isn’t the weather lovely, I have HIV, how’s the family…’ It’s not very light talk, Bethy,” he said, sighing heavily.

                “I know. It’s hard to talk about, but you need to. Carver, Aveline, Varric, and I are the only ones who know, and there will come a time when you have to tell everyone else that the reason you were so suicidal when Anders left you is because he infected you. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you he was positive,” she muttered angrily. “I know it’s a grim prospect, but you’re going to reach a point where you can’t hide it.”

                “I know. I just… I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get to that point. I’m going to leave you and Carver behind, as well as mother, and Aveline, Isabela, Varric, Merrill, and even Donnic. Remember when he thought I was interested in him? And then that I was trying to get closer to Aveline through him?” Garrett couldn’t help but laugh.

                “Yes! That was such a ridiculous situation. I’m glad they’re happy together, though,” Bethany said with a smile. “By the way, when are you and Fenris going to get together again?” She grinned mischievously.

                “I invited him to go out with all of us tomorrow night, actually. He said he would ask Corff for the night off, but only after I promised I wouldn’t get too drunk.”

                “You’ll only be able to drink maybe two shots, then, lightweight.” She ruffled Garrett’s hair affectionately.

                “I know. I was trying to impress him by drinking a lot the other night, and that backfired,” he grumbled. “Plus I had a monster hangover the next day. Don’t let me be that dumb again, please.”

                “You know I’m looking out for you. Plus I want you and Fenris to get together. I think you’d be an adorable couple,” she half-squealed. Garrett raised his eyebrows and she just smiled. “Plus I want you to date someone else. You haven’t dated anyone since Anders, right?”

                “No. I didn’t meet anyone I really wanted to, because they weren’t like Anders,” Garrett sighed. “But I’m past that now. I’m really attracted to Fenris. He’s interesting.”

                “Interesting? That’s the best word you could come up with?” Bethany snorted, taking a long drink of her tea. Garrett gave her a pointed look.

                “What, do you want the shallow answer, too? I was trying to not sound like a total twat by just saying I think he’s sexy and kind of damaged,” he said. Bethany turned and stared at him critically.

                “’Damaged?’” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

                “I didn’t mean it in a bad way! Everyone around here is damaged in some way, but with him, I don’t feel like it’s destroyed him. I think he’s been hurt a lot and instead of just falling apart he’s kind of taped himself back together. He needs someone to take the care of really helping him put himself together,” Garrett explained. “Even if I can only do that as a friend, I want to help him.”

                “I don’t want you to end up not being able to, though,” Bethany said, giving him a concerned look. “Some people want to be able to fix themselves on their own, and won’t let anyone in to help. Just because you benefited from other people being there for you doesn’t mean he will. Don’t be too surprised if he shuts you out, no matter how close you might get.”

                “I know,” he sighed, leaning into his sister. “But I can still offer to listen, and if he opens up, great. If not, it’s not a huge deal.”

                “I’m glad you see it realistically,” she responded with a soft smile. “Where are we going tomorrow night?”

                “I dunno, I was thinking maybe we could just go to the Life Café or something,” he said with a shrug.

                “You nearly got us all kicked out of there last time we were there!” Bethany snorted, playfully elbowing Garrett in the ribs.

                “That was an accident! I kept bumping into that waiter, it wasn’t like I wanted him to spill food everywhere,” Garrett laughed. “Besides, hot soup on your head hurts.” He crossed his arms and  tried to look angry, but broke into a grin when Bethany raised an eyebrow at him. “It does!”

                “I’m sure it does,” she said almost nonchalantly, finishing her mug of tea and setting it down on the coffee table in front of her. Her cool attitude was belied by her smile. “It was funny for the rest of us, though.”

                “Nice to know my pain is your laughter,” Garrett said, playfully pouting. Bethany smacked his arm.

                “Come on, you crack up every time someone trips in front of you!” she exclaimed indignantly.

                After a moment of almost thoughtful silence, he grinned and said, “Yeah, I do. I guess it’s cause I was always getting hurt as a kid that it’s nothing more than entertaining for me now to trip and scrape up a knee or stub a toe or whatever.”

                “I don’t know how many times we had to take you to the hospital when I was growing up. I still remember how mad mom was when you put the pieces of sponge up your nose when you were twelve. The doctors just laughed, and you were freaking out,” she laughed. Garrett blushed a little.

                “Well, it smelled nice because mom had just washed it and so I thought putting it up my nose would be a good idea!” he mumbled defensively, clearly embarrassed. “I tried to forget about that little incident, thank you very much.”

                “Between Carver and I, you’re never going to forget,” Bethany said, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

                “And mom always thought _I_ was the troublemaker!” he said, crossing his arms.

                “You were, stupid,” she replied good-naturedly.

                “Not anymore, now it’s you and Carver. Damn twin sense or whatever you two have,” he said, turning and tickling his sister’s sides. She squealed and began to try to wriggle out of his reach. He easily caught her and she let out a laughing scream.  


	3. Round and Round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been... over a year and a half since I updated? I apologize for that; there are a lot of reasons. Most of it was due to changing interests and some issues with my depression, but also thanks to my laptop crashing back in February. I lost all of my files, including what had been chapter three and my motivation. I started re-playing Dragon Age and knew I had to keep writing, but I took this chapter in an entirely different direction than it originally had been. Anyways, my apologies for the delay, and even if it takes months, I do intend to keep this story going.

                Several weeks had passed since Fenris and Garrett had their coffee outing, and Fenris found himself going out often with Garrett and his bandmates and friends. He spent the majority of his non-working time with Garrett, slowly building the foundations of a solid friendship. He had recently realized that he was falling for the other man at an increasing speed. He didn’t necessarily think about kissing Garrett or sleeping with him, but he didn’t find the idea repulsive. He did, however, find that he most looked forward to spending time with Garrett over anything else (even dance, which was a little unnerving to Fenris). They liked to go out in groups of varying size at first, but recently Fenris had taken to spending time alone with Garrett. Tonight, for Halloween, though, they had all come to Corff’s as part of their barhopping plan. Fenris was working, so he wasn’t part of the barhopping festivities (which he didn’t feel too badly about if he was honest). Corff encouraged dressing up on Halloween and to humor him, Fenris put on a black cape, a little bit of make-up, and pulled his hair back to show his ears and said he was a “dark elf.”

                Corff had gone all-out, dressed as a Stormtrooper minus the helmet. Fenris had to commend the accuracy of the costume; he had seen the first two films but missed the third (it wasn’t really his favorite genre but the movies were still pretty cool). Corff, however, knew almost everything there was to know about the series. Fenris remembered once Corff got into a very heated debate with a patron over whether Star Trek or Star Wars was better. He couldn’t remember the outcome exactly, but it had something to do with both having their merits when considered as entirely different platforms of science fiction. Fenris didn’t really pay much attention to that.

                Many of the patrons had dressed up to celebrate the “holiday.” There was a wide variety of costumes, from pop culture references that Fenris sort of caught to scantily clad women (and men) claiming to be various animals to costumes that just made Fenris scratch his head in wonder. It was fun to see a few of the normally morose regulars smiling and laughing and generally enjoying themselves. Fenris wasn’t entirely sure whether Garrett and his group would ever make it to Corff’s, considering that they began their journey at nine, and by Fenris’ last check, it was about a quarter past midnight.

                As he was dealing with a brief lull in service by gathering empty glasses, he noticed a tan, busty pirate woman enter the bar with a slight vampire girl on her arm. Fenris grinned and waved when Isabela and Merrill noticed him. Aveline and Donnic were not far behind, both of them dressed in authentic looking plate armor that clanked loudly as they walked. Fenris was not surprised that they were dressed in actual metal armor; they were both exceptionally strong physically and Aveline worked as a personal trainer. He was still a little intimidated by her, if he was honest, though he had seen that she had a heart of pure gold.

                “Happy Halloween, Fenris!” Merrill chirped, clearly a bit buzzed. She giggled as she found an empty barstool and sat with Isabela’s arm around her shoulder.

                “Happy Halloween, Madame Dracula,” Fenris replied with a small smile. Merrill gasped.

                “Fenris, it’s me! It’s Merrill! I’m not really a vampire, I’m just pretending to be,” she explained quickly, her big eyes wide. Isabela snorted with laughter.

                “He knows, Kitten. He’s just playing around with you,” Isabela assured her girlfriend. She turned to Fenris. “She’s had more than she usually does in the ‘spirit of Halloween.’”

                “I can tell,” Fenris said with a bemused glance at Merrill. “Aveline and Donnic were with you, are Garrett, Bethany, Varric, and Carver on their way?”

                “Garrett, Bethany, and Varric are. They stopped to get something to eat to absorb some of the alcohol they’ve had,” Isabela explained. “Carver decided to go to a Halloween party with his new girlfriend, Meredith, or whatever her name is. She’s in the military and supposedly really harsh but apparently quite the freak in the sheets.” She had a grin on her face that said she’d like to find out. “She’s older, too, like in her forties. Carver’s only twenty five, so I guess she’s a bit of a cougar, huh?”

                “I’ve heard Bethany mention her before. Apparently she thinks the artist community is a waste of space,” Fenris said, shrugging. He’d never met the woman but she sounded a little terrifying.

                “Don’t a lot of ‘well-respected’ people?” Isabela asked, leaning in closer to Merrill. “After all, we’re sexual deviants who don’t pay our rent on time.” Her eyes had a mischievous glint in them that Fenris had learned meant she was (partially) joking. He did have to concede that she had a point; a lot of people outside of the artist community really did think they were a waste of space.

                “Speaking of the Hawkes, what’s the deal with you and Garrett?” Isabela asked, waggling her eyebrows comically. Fenris blushed, but in the low light, he hoped it wasn’t very noticeable.

                “I don’t know if there’s really a ‘deal’ to speak of,” he responded, trying to avert the conversation before it got started. The last thing he needed was Isabela’s intervention in this.

                “Oh please,” she scoffed. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you and you look at him. He looks at you like you put the damn stars in the sky.”

                “Oh! And you look at him with those big puppy eyes of yours,” Merrill added loudly. Fenris glared at her.

                “There are no puppy eyes,” he said, annoyed.

                “Yes there are, hon,” Isabela said, giving him a knowing look.

                “That aside, can I get you anything? I do have a job to do, surprisingly,” Fenris said with a raised eyebrow and scowl.

                “Nothing for Merrill; I’m forcing her to take a break for a bit so she doesn’t regret this too much in the morning,” Isabela said, clearly disappointed that she wouldn’t get any juicy details, and Merrill pouted but nodded her head. “As for me, I’ll take a rum and coke.” She pointed to her costume, which Fenris had to admit did some fantastic things for her breasts. “I’m a pirate, and pirates drink rum, right?”

                “I suppose so,” he replied, starting her drink. He handed it across the bar to her, at which point Aveline and Donnic approached the bar. The couple made an imposing presence in their armor, and several patrons who were just chatting near the bar nervously moved to another area, leaving several stools open for them.

                “Fenris, two Rolling Rocks, please,” Aveline said, taking off her gauntlets. “These things are so annoying when you’re trying to pick up anything.”

                “Not to mention heavy,” Donnic added, a relieved look on his face as he sat down. “Of course, it doesn’t seem to bother Aveline at all.”

                “Are you kidding? My back is going to be sore tomorrow,” she retorted, leaning some of her weight on the bar. Fenris placed the beers in front of the couple, and checking to be sure that no one else was trying to get his attention, leaned forward to talk to them.

                “Where did you even get armor like that?” Fenris asked, inspecting the gauntlets Aveline had placed on the bar.

                “Specialty shop a few blocks from our apartment. One of Donnic’s friends happens to be a very good metalworker, and he owed us a few favors,” Aveline said with a smile. “He actually offered to make us matching sets, since we happen to find him a lot of his sources for metals. He didn’t use very expensive metals, grant you, since something like this would have been worth a fortune even with the cheap stuff.”

                “You left out the fact that he didn’t let us pay because you punched out the guy trying to rob him a few months back,” Donnic said accusingly, an amused smile playing on his lips.

                “Why does that not surprise me?” Fenris couldn’t help but giggle at the image of Aveline surprising a robber with her strength. He had seen her arm wrestle and he had no desire to match up his strength with hers. He would be willing to bet that he could hold a better arabesque than she could, though.

                “I really hate petty criminals like that,” Aveline muttered, clearly embarrassed that it had been brought up.

                “I doubt you’re alone in that,” Fenris said as he pardoned himself to assist another patron. A group of five or six Star Trek characters had come in and all wanted to order drinks. When he finished their order, he turned back to where his friends (it still felt weird for him to think of them that way if he was completely honest) sat and saw that Bethany, Varric, and Garrett had arrived.

                Bethany looked stunning in a long Morticia Addams dress and long black wig that had miraculously not gotten tangled. Garrett was clearly a lower-budget version of Aveline and Donnic: he wore plastic plate armor obviously made for someone three sizes smaller than Garrett was. He was an imposing man, without a doubt, but the ill-fitting costume somehow suited him perfectly. Fenris found himself smiling when he looked at Garrett, and he quickly looked away. Fenris was most amused by Varric’s costume, though: a cowboy hat, chaps, boots, and no shirt. Varric had a penchant for low-cut shirts, but Fenris had never seen him shirtless before. He distinctly got the impression that Varric purposely presented himself as a bear type; Fenris had no idea what gender Varric was interested in, but the stout man always seemed more interested in writing “romance” than participating in the subject.

                Varric was already in conversation with Aveline and Donnic, while Bethany and Garrett were teasing Merrill. Fenris approached the newcomers and asked if they wanted anything.

                “I’ll take a pint of whatever you’ve got on tap,” Varric said, immediately turning back to his conversation. Fenris raised an eyebrow; they had three on tap, but he supposed he would choose something for him. He turned to Garrett and Bethany.

                “I’ll just take a coke, Fenris, thanks,” Bethany said with a smile.

                “Same for me. I’d like to not wake up with a wicked hangover,” Garrett added. “And a water, too, I think.” Fenris nodded and turned back to get their drinks. He could feel Garrett’s eyes on him, and he found himself hyperaware of every movement he made. When he turned around, his eyes met Garrett’s defiantly, and he maintained eye contact as he put both of Garrett’s drinks in front of him, only breaking it when he gave Bethany and Varric their drinks.

                “Fenris, why don’t you take your break? I can handle the bar for now,” Corff said, clapping Fenris on the shoulder. He jumped at the contact, having not noticed that his boss had come over to him.

                “All right,” Fenris replied, grabbing a glass of water before he went around to the front of the bar.

                “Finally, I get to see your whole costume!” Isabela exclaimed, her eyes raking over Fenris in a way that felt a little intrusive. His costume (with the exception of the cape) _was_ extremely form-fitting, a fact that hadn’t seemed to escape Garrett’s notice, either. Fenris didn’t feel self-conscious about it at all—he was well aware that he was an attractive man and he felt comfortable in the clothes. They were dance clothes and he could move freely in them.

                “Yes, and I can see how little of yours there is,” he responded, raising his eyebrows at her. She just grinned in response.

                “I don’t think Daisy minds so much,” Varric chimed in, using his fond nickname for Merrill. He seemed to have nicknames for most of the group.

                “I think there are a lot of people who don’t mind so much,” Isabela said. “I have great boobs, why shouldn’t I show them off?” Aveline rolled her eyes so hard they were likely to fall out of her head.

                “So that those of us with any sense of dignity don’t have to have wanton cleavage shoved in our faces,” she grumbled.

                “Just because you’re a prude doesn’t mean we all have to be,” Isabela said, pointedly not looking at Aveline as she took a drink. Fenris had come to expect this sort of banter between the two women. It had taken a little while for him to realize that it was largely amiable (but sometimes not), but he still preferred to stay out of the line of fire.

                “Come sit by me,” Bethany called, shifting over a seat to allow Fenris to sit between her and Garrett. He took the empty seat.

                “How have the other bars been?” Fenris asked, noting how remarkably sober Garrett was. He had clearly had some alcohol, but he was nowhere near drunk.

                “Not full of artistic angst like this place,” Garrett commented, taking a sip of his water. “Honestly, though, most of them were pretty packed and overpriced. I could barely afford some of them.”

                “Is that why you’re so sober?” Fenris asked, raising an eyebrow.

                “Well, partly, yeah,” Garrett replied, his face reddening. “The other part is because I’m still pretty embarrassed about what happened last time I got drunk and am not looking for a repeat.”

                “You’re still hung up on that?” Isabela shot over. Fenris shot her a glare, and she rolled her eyes and leaned back out of the conversation.

                He appreciated that Garrett watched himself around him, because despite the incident being an isolated one, he couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t happen again. He was surprised to hear that it was still something that Garrett still actively thought about, though.

                “I appreciate the thoughtfulness,” Fenris said, making eye contact with Garrett. Fenris felt the blood rushing to his face in response to Garrett’s piercing stare, but considering the other places his blood could have rushed, he figured it could be worse. He couldn’t deny he was attracted to Garrett, but he liked to err on the side of caution.

                “I may make an ass out of myself a lot, but it rarely affects other people. When it does, I make sure to avoid that happening again at all costs,” Garrett said, breaking the eye contact to look at the floor. “I’m not always an asshole, you know.” He had gotten quiet, and he seemed to be lost in his own mind. The moment quickly passed, and Garrett looked up at Fenris again, and smiled. “Your costume suits you very well. Seriously, you look really good.”

                “He means to say you look hot,” Bethany quipped, her eyes sparkling with mischief. Fenris giggled, then quickly tried to turn it into a cough. Neither of the siblings were fooled, though they had the tact to not say anything. Fenris didn’t notice when Bethany gave Garrett a knowing look accompanied by a smirk that meant trouble.

                “Thank you,” Fenris finally said. Bethany leaned over to Fenris.

                “I mean it,” she whispered. “You look great.” Fenris wasn’t sure how to respond, so he simply smiled awkwardly. Bethany sat back on her stool, looking entirely too pleased with herself as she engaged Corff in conversation. Fenris felt he was in the middle of something premeditated that he was entirely unaware of.

                “So, how’s business been tonight?” Garrett asked, and Fenris turned his attention to him.

                “It’s not much busier than normal, but everyone is in better spirits than they usually are,” Fenris replied, turning his body to face Garrett. He could feel his knee pressed against the other man’s thigh. Garrett’s eyes flicked down to where their bodies touched quickly, and Fenris was pleased when Garrett couldn’t keep the corners of his mouth from curving into a smile.

                “Who wouldn’t be in good spirits celebrating Halloween?” Garrett asked.

                “I don’t know, especially when there are costumes as amusing as yours,” Fenris said, gently and good-naturedly poking fun.

                “I know it’s too small,” Garrett admitted, his face red. “It was one of Carver’s old costumes and I had to find something last minute. It was either this or a stripper.” Fenris’ eyebrows shot up.

                “Stripper? Tell me more,” he prompted, taking a drink of his water. Garrett’s face reddened even further.

                “Bethany got me a gag gift a few years back… It’s a… well, it was meant for a woman, but it’s a red glittery thong and stockings and garters,” Garrett mumbled, not looking at Fenris. Fenris immediately imagined Garrett in said outfit and nearly choked on his water. He felt his face heat up because he got the distinct feeling that Garrett would pull something like that off with unintentional ease.

                “What… erm, made you decide to nix the stripper outfit?” Fenris asked, mentally saving the information for another time.

                “I’m not exactly interested in having my ass exposed for everyone to see,” he replied, laughing uncomfortably.

                “Unsurprisingly understandable. This costume is much more endearing and less likely to get you arrested.”

                “No kidding.” Garrett laughed again, but without the discomfort. He smiled at Fenris and adjusted himself on the stool so that more of their legs were in contact. Fenris’ heartbeat quickened, and he found himself shyly looking down and smiling. Garrett had an amusingly goofy, pleased grin on his face, and it made Fenris chuckle. The contact felt both foreign and comfortable, and Fenris didn’t mind it at all.

                “So when is Lothering going to play here again? Every time you do, it’s great for business,” Fenris asked, keeping conversation casual. Now was not the time to bring up the growing attraction between them.

                “I haven’t talked to Corff, but I was hoping to get a twice-monthly deal with him. I feel like the people here appreciate us more,” Garrett said, shrugging. “Not saying that some of our better paying gigs don’t appreciate us, but the people here just _get_ our music, you know? We’re all part of the same community and there’s an understanding and respect for the art itself that sometimes non-artists don’t have.” Fenris nodded his head in understanding.

                “Just like they write off other art forms while demanding their production for entertainment,” he added. Garrett raised his eyebrows, silently asking for elaboration. Fenris bit his lower lip as he searched for the words. “Film-making, for example. They scoff at anyone who tries to make it a career, but if movie theatres shut down, there would be riots in the streets. Or musicians, too. There’s very little respect for musicians trying to make a name for themselves, but god forbid Madonna stop making records. Just because art may not be the most lucrative career path does not mean that it should be disdained the way it is. Spending your life in a cubicle complaining about your job does not make you better.” He paused for a second. “Sorry, I just am diametrically opposed to people who base another person’s worth on what kind of job they hold.”

                “You have a point,” Garrett agreed, musing over the ideas in his head. “You can’t demand a service while degrading those who perform it.” Fenris nodded.

                “I guess I’m passionate about this community, even if I’m not an artist, because it was the one place that took me in with all my unusual features,” he said thoughtfully. “It’s my home as much as it is yours or Varric’s.”

                “Varric is also a businessman, you know,” Garrett said, raising an eyebrow.

                “Yes, but he’s not the condescending ass that many are.” Garrett had to agree with him. Varric was an unusual businessman, but it hadn’t hindered his success. It had actually seemed to help him.

                “I’m guessing you’ve never been interested in a business career?” Garrett ventured, giving a playful smile. Fenris replied by rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “Can’t imagine why.”

                Fenris rolled his eyes again, this time smiling. He glanced at the clock behind the bar and sighed, reluctantly breaking the contact he had with Garrett’s leg. “I should get back to work. I’ve been on break for twenty minutes already.” Garrett pouted.

                “Shouldn’t you get thirty minutes or something?” he asked, trying to get Fenris to stay with him for a few more minutes.

                “I actually get a total of an hour, but I break it up into twenty minute breaks so I can sit down every once in a while. I took one of my twenty minute breaks earlier,” Fenris explained, sensing Garrett’s reluctance. “Besides, I can still talk to you when I’m behind the bar.” He knew it wasn’t exactly what either of them were trying to prolong, but it would have to do.

                “I guess I’ll have to take that,” Garrett sighed dramatically. Fenris couldn’t help but laugh at him as he walked back behind the bar. Isabela shot him a wink as he passed by her, and he surprised her by returning the wink, rather than glaring. She positively beamed, and immediately got up to pester Garrett. Fenris chuckled and got back to work.

\---

                A few days after Halloween, Fenris, Varric, Aveline, Donnic, Bethany, and Garrett got together for dinner at Bethany’s house. It was a rather impromptu thing, but had come about when Bethany lost several games of poker the previous night (rather badly, too) and had offered to make everyone involved dinner. They had all felt it was a good idea and had offered help, but she refused.

                So far, Bethany was proving herself a gracious host and even better cook. Even Garrett seemed surprised at how good her food was, given that he had done most of the cooking growing up. Partway through dessert, a fruit crumble with various compotes in it, Garrett made the mistake of commenting on his surprise. When the backhanded compliment left his mouth, Bethany’s reaction was one only a younger sibling could pull off.

                “At least mine has never given anyone food poisoning,” she said, locking eyes with her older brother and smiling sweetly. “Why do you think Carver was so picky? Only half of what you ever made was really edible.” Fenris glanced around the table at the reactions. Varric looked like Christmas had come early, while Aveline and Donnic were struggling to keep from smiling.

                Garrett, however, had the most positively shocked look on his face. Apparently this conversation hadn’t ever happened before. Fenris knew there was no shortage of good-natured teasing between them, but he had never seen one of them bring up anything new in their ribbing. He leaned his chin on his hands, ready for the show.

                “You never once complained when you ate my cooking!” Garrett seemed unable to comprehend her comments, and Bethany’s face gave no indication that she was exaggerating or joking. She seemed entirely serious.

                “That’s because it would have been rude and a waste of food,” she replied, nonchalantly inspecting her fingernails.

                “And this isn’t rude?” he asked, crossing his arms. Bethany looked Garrett in the face and sighed.

                “It would be rude if I weren’t joking, Garrett,” she conceded, sincerely disappointed that her brother hadn’t picked up on her sarcasm. Garrett stared at her blankly for a moment, then closed his eyes in exasperated understanding.

                “My god, Bethany, you really had me,” he said, covering his face with one hand.

                “I think you had all of us,” Varric added, looking disappointed that they hadn’t actually fought, but pleased with Bethany’s sarcasm. Fenris nodded his assent, as did Aveline and Donnic. Bethany grinned and looked incredibly pleased with herself.

                “I trusted you, Bethany,” Garrett said, mock-hurt. “How could you take something that I use so much and use it against me? Your own brother. Traitor.” He narrowed his eyes and shook his head disapprovingly. Bethany rolled her eyes.

                “Fine, then. Fenris seemed happy to let me do it, right?” She put Fenris on the spot, and he felt a little awkward as everyone looked at him.

                “It was very convincing and quite entertaining,” he admitted. Garrett huffed.

                “Don’t expect my help with the dishes,” he said to Bethany. He turned to Fenris. “You either. You’re both traitors.” He belied the comment with an amused smile.

                “Actually, I think since you fell for it so magnificently, you should have to do the dishes,” Fenris suggested. Garrett sighed.

                “I suppose. I am the older brother, and I should show some responsibility, shouldn’t I?” he conceded, his shoulders slumping in defeat. Bethany giggled.

                “You know where everything goes. Don’t break anything,” she said, handing over the task with no second thoughts.

                “Fine. But Fenris has to help me because this was his idea,” Garrett said, sending Fenris a challenging look. Fenris raised an eyebrow, taken by surprise. He hadn’t intended to actually get involved, just to poke fun at Garrett. After a moment, he pushed back his chair and stood.

                “All right,” he said, gathering plates. Most of the dishes were already in the kitchen with the exception of the dessert plates. Of all of them, Bethany would be the one with a full set of dishes and cutlery for such occasions.

                “When they’re done, I’ll make coffee for anyone who wants it, or I have some beer in the fridge,” Bethany offered.

                Fenris didn’t hear who opted for what, if anything, as he took dishes into the kitchen. He rolled up the sleeves on his long shirt past his elbows. He turned to Garrett.

                “I wash, you dry?” he asked. “You know where things should get put away and I don’t.” Garrett shrugged.

                “Fair enough,” he said, grabbing a dish towel as Fenris started washing. “I can’t believe Bethany got me that good. She’s been so bad at sarcasm that I just never consider it as a possibility from her.” He shook his head and laughed. “I seriously thought she had just never said anything.” Fenris snorted.

                “It would seem she’s been taking lessons from someone,” he replied. “Besides, you know your sister would have been straightforward about it before now. She’s that kind of person and she adores you. I don’t think anything you could do would be too terribly bad in her eyes. I also would not recommend expressing shock at anything a sister does well. Trust me, I know that wrath.” He laughed quietly.

                “That sounds like there’s a story there,” Garrett prompted.

                “It was also when I first tried my sister’s cooking. She tried out a recipe that a friend had given her and it was actually pretty amazing,” he recalled, setting a clean dish aside. “She’d really only ever made box meals that you heat on the stove in ten minutes, and so she spent hours in the kitchen and I wasn’t expecting much. I couldn’t help but be surprised that she had successfully made it and I commented thus. I didn’t hear the end of it for weeks.”

                “It’s amazing how long sisters remember when you made then angry,” Garrett commented, stacking a few dry dishes. “Bethany held the fact that I once cut her Barbie’s hair into a buzz cut over my head for _years_. Granted, I was sixteen and knew full well what I was doing and I knew she would get mad at me, but she’d messed up my room and I wanted to get back at her.” Fenris stopped washing dishes to look at Garrett incredulously. He couldn’t really imagine a young Garrett intentionally pissing off his sister. Carver, maybe, but not Bethany.

                “I really can’t imagine that,” Fenris said, slowly turning back to the sink.

                “I was kind of a bratty teenager. I’m such an adult now, I’m sure that comes as a shock to you,” Garrett said playfully.

                “You’re still a brat.”

                “Hey!” Garrett whacked Fenris with his dish towel. For a moment, Fenris didn’t respond. His eyes gleamed with mischief and he turned, throwing water droplets at Garrett. In retaliation, Garrett stuck his hands under the running water and threw water at Fenris. Fenris gasped, the front of his shirt soaked. He turned to face Garrett, who looked properly embarrassed. Fenris scowled and yanked the dishtowel off Garrett’s shoulder, trying to dry his shirt a bit. Garrett looked down at his feet, intending to apologize, but froze when he felt a wet cloth hit his face.

                “You did not just throw a wet dishtowel at me,” Garrett said, throwing it as far away from him as he could.

                “No, I didn’t,” Fenris stated.

                “Then what—“ Garrett turned to look at Fenris and stopped short when he realized that Fenris had taken off and thrown his shirt. His arms were crossed over his chest, but Garrett had a full view of the rest of his torso. Fenris felt for a moment maybe he had made a mistake in taking off the shirt, but he also knew it would not work to anyone’s benefit if he kept the cold, wet shirt on and came down with a cold.

                “Um.” Garrett’s eyes were glued to his abdomen, and they travelled upwards over his torso until he made eye contact with Fenris. Fenris raised an eyebrow and uncrossed his arms.

                “Yes?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious about the tattoo on his upper body. No one had ever seen it.

                “You’re _really_ fucking hot,” Garrett breathed, his cheeks flushed. Fenris blushed.

                “Thanks,” Fenris said, trying not to give away that the comment made him feel extremely happy. He almost felt giddy, and it would have manifested itself in a laugh, had he not coughed. “Could you get my shirt and put it over the chair to dry?” He gestured to the small table and chair near Garrett.

                “Yeah, sure,” Garrett said, tearing his eyes away from Fenris. “Sorry for staring, it’s just… I can’t help it.”

                “I, um, don’t mind,” Fenris muttered, awkwardly throwing the dish towel back to Garrett, who caught it easily.

                “Really?” Garrett asked, surprised. Fenris understood his surprise; he had always been fairly hostile to anyone who stared at him, even Isabela, simply because he tended to assume that stares were because he looked like a freak. He knew in this situation, though, that it wasn’t the case. There was mutual attraction and Fenris was discovering that he liked being looked at.

                “Yes, really,” Fenris said, smiling at Garrett shyly. Garrett grinned.

                “Good. I think I would have had a hard time keeping my eyes off you like that if you hadn’t been okay with it,” Garrett admitted. “I would have respected it, but it would have been a challenge.”

                “Well, then, I’m glad I’ve made things easier. Look, but do not presume to touch,” Fenris added, trying to clearly set boundaries. He liked Garrett a lot, but he didn’t want him touching him. Not yet.

                Garrett looked a little disappointed, but he still smiled. “We should probably get back to dishes before Bethany comes in and checks on us, hm?” Fenris laughed.

                “Yes, we probably should. We will, however, have to explain why I’m not wearing a shirt, since flannel is unlikely to dry within fifteen minutes,” Fenris said, turning back to the dishes.

                “I feel like you could fit something of Bethany’s, actually. Just be glad Isabela’s not here, or she wouldn’t ever let you forget it,” Garrett said. “Can you imagine her face, though?”

                “I imagine it would be something like yours was,” Fenris ribbed. He wouldn’t forget that expression; it had honestly made him feel better about himself and his tattoo than he ever had.

                “Well, it was a shock, and a very, very pleasant one,” Garrett said sheepishly.

                “You don’t need to be embarrassed about it, Garrett,” Fenris said softly. “It’s an understandable reaction. I don’t doubt mine would be similar if our roles had been switched.”

                “That’s the self-esteem booster of the month without a doubt,” Garrett exclaimed, and Fenris turned to see a goofy grin on the tall man’s face. Fenris couldn’t keep a smile off his own face. Garrett wore his heart on his sleeve, something Fenris found he liked. He was never guessing what reaction Garrett actually had.

                “There’s a whole stack of dishes there waiting to be dried,” Fenris gently reminded him, gesturing to said dishes.

                “Oh, right. It’s not like that’s what we’re actually in here to do,” Garrett said, grabbing the top dish.

                “If Bethany had been the one to ask me to help you, I would have thought she’s trying to produce exactly the sort of thing that happened,” Fenris said with a laugh. “But since it was you, I know that’s exactly what you intended.”

                “And what would that be?” Garrett asked, playing naïve. Fenris rolled his eyes.

                “Quickly destroy any chance at friendship by not getting along at all,” he replied, his voice dripping sarcasm. Garrett snorted.

                “Because obviously we fight like a cat and a dog,” Garrett quipped.

                “Obviously,” Fenris affirmed, unable to suppress a giggle while he turned the water off, finished with his part of the job.

                “I’d say that plan has backfired fairly spectacularly, hasn’t it?” Garrett asked, drying the last dish and putting it away.

                “It would seem so.” Fenris smiled, walking over to check how wet his shirt still was. It was still far too wet to wear. He sighed and put his hands on his hips. “Do you think I could borrow your jacket for now?”

                “Yeah, sure,” Garrett said, sliding the jacket off. He handed it to Fenris. Once he had gotten it on, it was clearly far too large. Fenris pushed the sleeves up to his elbows and zipped it up. It was a very comfortable jacket, despite how large it was on him. He said so.

                “It really is, isn’t it? It looks cute on you, too,” Garrett said. Fenris looked down at himself.

                “Does it really?” he asked, frowning.

                “Yep,” Garrett responded shortly. He grinned. “Come on, let’s get back to everyone else.” Fenris nodded, his heart fluttering a bit. He liked the up-front manner that Garrett addressed him with, because he always knew where he stood. He’d known people who said one thing but felt another and danced around the truth.

                When they walked into the living room, Varric and Bethany immediately caught that Fenris was wearing Garrett’s jacket and raised their eyebrows. Fenris blushed, hyperaware of their reactions, but said nothing. Garrett just winked.

                “You came in just in time to settle an argument,” Aveline said, either not registering that Fenris was wearing Garrett’s jacket or not caring. “Varric and I were arguing whether the ends justify the means, particularly in business. I say that the end does not justify the means, whereas Varric disagrees.” Fenris and Garrett sat down next to Bethany on her three-seat sofa, sharing comfortable proximity. They shared a look of amusement and prepared themselves to enter what was unlikely to be a short argument. 


	4. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This came quickly--I'm on break from both work and school until Monday, and I had a lot of ideas for this chapter. After I start the semester, though, expect probably once monthly updates, or possibly sooner, depending on where I am in the rehearsal process for the operas I'm doing. Do expect fairly regular updates, though! Please, enjoy.

                “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

                Fenris looked up from the drink he was making, looking around for the source of the question. He saw Garrett sitting at the bar and smiled. He held up a finger to indicate that he would be there in a moment. He finished off the amaretto sour he was making for the resident poet, and returned to Garrett. It was a remarkably slow night and he was glad for the company.

                “As far as I know, nothing. I have the night off since the bar is closed on Sundays,” Fenris replied, leaning on his elbows on the bar.

                “Well, in that case, want to get dinner tomorrow?” Garrett asked, fidgeting with his watch. “As in, a date? It’s okay if you don’t want to make it a date, but I’d really like to and I’m totally rambling, so I’m going to shut up now.” Garrett couldn’t look at Fenris.

                Fenris was surprised by the question and amused by his rambling. He liked the idea of actually going on a date with him; there had certainly been enough tension between them that hadn’t been addressed, especially after the night at Bethany’s. In the three days since then, there had been plenty of flirting but they had never outright talked about their evident attraction. After a moment of thought, Fenris put his hand on Garrett’s.

                “I think I would like that,” he said. Garrett looked up at him with wide eyes.

                “Seriously?” he asked, then seemed to register that Fenris had, in fact, said yes. He grinned. “I wasn’t really sure you’d say yes. I hoped you liked me, but I didn’t know if you were willing to give me the chance.” Fenris chuckled.

                “You’ve proved that the… _incident_ from the night we met was an isolated event,” Fenris said. He withdrew his hand from the top of Garrett’s hand and looked down. “I should warn you, though, I’ve never actually been on a date before.”

                “No way,” Garrett nearly gasped. “How could somebody as gorgeous as you have never gone on a date?” He seemed to be having difficulty comprehending the fact. Fenris sighed in exasperation.

                “Most of it had to do with being branded a ‘freak’ for quite some time. The other part of it has been due to a lack of interest in those who have asked,” he said, very matter-of-factly. “It’s honestly never bothered me, so I’m not sure why it bothers you.” He poked Garrett in the shoulder and gave him a questioning look.

                “Oh, it doesn’t bother me,” Garrett reassured Fenris. “I was just surprised. You’re really attractive, so I figured you had been on a date before.”

                “I’ve been asked on several, but I’ve never said yes,” Fenris informed him, idly looking at the tattoos on his hands. “The people who have asked me have generally been interested in casual sex, something I am not interested in.”

                “Understandable. Nowadays, it can be really risky,” Garrett said, frowning. Fenris nodded.

                “There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, but too many people are too ashamed of themselves and their infection to say anything. Some people fuck to forget, but they hurt others in the process,” he said. “I’ve worked here for almost seven years now, and I’ve heard so many stories about having gone home with a stranger and becoming infected.” Garrett was staring at his hands, his expression serious.

                “It doesn’t have to be a stranger, either,” he said quietly. Fenris gave him a long, scrutinizing look.

                “No,” he agreed.

                “Could we talk about something else? I’m sorry, this is a hard topic for me. I’ve seen its effects firsthand and it’s a pretty grim topic,” Garrett said, fidgeting with his hands.

                “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to bring it up,” Fenris said apologetically. “Where did you want to go tomorrow night?” At that, Garrett perked up a bit, but his smile wasn’t entirely genuine.

                “I thought, since you still haven’t tried Greek food, we could go to the little Greek place a few blocks from Bethany’s? I’m a cheap date, sorry,” he said, clearly embarrassed.

                “I don’t mind at all. We’re not exactly millionaires, you and I,” Fenris joked, quickly looking around for anyone trying to catch his attention. He had been fairly involved in his conversation, and he couldn’t allow Garrett to stop him from doing his job. Corff wouldn’t fire him, but he didn’t want to test that theory. “You distract me too much while I’m working.” Fenris was only half serious.

                “I haven’t noticed you complaining too much,” Garrett replied. He looked around. “Besides, most of the time I’m here it’s about as empty as this. I know you’re working, but if I wasn’t here, what would you be doing right now?” He gave Fenris a knowing look.

                “Probably searching for something to do,” Fenris admitted.

                “See? I’m not as big a distraction as you think I am,” Garrett said gleefully. Fenris snorted and rolled his eyes.

                “No, but apparently you’re more of a child than I thought you were,” he said, raising an eyebrow.

                “I’ll agree with you on that as I ask for a Shirley Temple,” Garrett replied with a smile. Fenris chuckled.

                “That’s a lot of sugar in one drink,” he said offhandedly, turning around to grab a glass.

                “Anything with grenadine has a lot of sugar, though,” Garrett countered. “Besides, better too much sugar than too much alcohol. You’re not going to die from one night of too much sugar.”

                “I’ll agree with you there,” Fenris said, putting the glass in front of Garrett. “Don’t forget to tip your bartender.”

                “Don’t run in traffic?”

                “You’re an idiot.”

                “Yeah, I know. But you like it, admit it,” Garrett said, grinning as he pulled out his wallet and handed Fenris a five dollar bill to cover both drink and tip.

                “That’s hardly something I would tell you,” Fenris mumbled, walking away to put the cash in the drawer. Garrett laughed to himself, fondly watching the other man.

                “I’ll take that as a yes,” he called, eliciting a sidelong glare from Fenris. The glare was belied by a reluctant smile.

                “Perhaps you should,” Fenris said as he returned to Garrett. “I suppose there’s something endearing about it. Your idea of idiocy doesn’t involve drunk driving, arson, or binge spending large amounts of money.” Fenris shrugged. “You’re not hurting anyone, so it’s… cute.” He looked down, his ears turning red. Garrett absolutely beamed.

                “I’ll take it,” he said. “You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

                Fenris groaned and covered his face with his hands. He could feel himself blushing hard. “I feel like you’re not supposed to say those kinds of things unless you’re dating someone,” he mumbled through his hands.

                “Are we not going on a date tomorrow?” Garrett asked, smirking as he took a sip of his soda.

                “You are utterly insufferable when you’re right,” Fenris sighed, glaring at Garrett.

                “I know. Bethany and Carver tell me that all the time,” Garrett said proudly. Fenris rolled his eyes.

                “Speaking of Carver, it seems like he’s been spending more time with Meredith than with you lately,” Fenris commented casually.

                “Yeah, well, he’s been looking for an excuse to spend less time with me,” Garrett laughed. “But he’s been spending a little too much time with her and when he’s at home, he’s really different. He’s gotten really confrontational.”

                “Isabela said Meredith hates the artist community here. I wonder if her ideas have been rubbing off on him,” Fenris mused, frowning.

                “It’s possible. She’s a big player in some contracting company who want to build over some of the apartments in lower Alphabet City,” Garrett said. “He seems to have gotten on board with her ideas and has been trying to convince me that it’s the best idea.”

                “Don’t you live in lower--?”

                “Yeah,” Garrett interrupted angrily. “I know that apartment doesn’t have the best memories, but it’s been home for almost ten years and he knows that. It pisses me off that he would be willing to destroy my home and so many others just to please his girlfriend. He’s always been a dick, but he’s never been out to hurt people. I don’t think she’s good for him.”

                “Have you met her?” Fenris asked, resting his chin on his hand.

                “Briefly. Mother wanted to meet her, and he brought her over for a quick ‘here’s the girlfriend now we’re leaving’ kind of thing. She seemed a little annoyed that she even had to come around to Mother’s place. I happened to be there to talk to her when he brought her. She might be a good person in other situations, but everything I’ve seen of her begs to differ,” Garrett said, scowling. “Mother said she didn’t feel comfortable around Meredith, like everything she did was being judged. Mother can be very judgmental herself, but as soon as someone else is judging her, she’s unhappy.”

                “I guess the question to ask is whether she makes Carver happy.”

                “The thing is, I don’t know,” Garrett admitted. “He seems happy but he’s also different. I don’t know if that’s who he really is or if it’s an act to impress her.”

                “I know he’s your younger brother and you want the best for him, but you have to accept that Carver’s an adult who can make his own decisions, good or bad,” Fenris said, giving Garrett a pointed look.

                “I know. I just worry,” he said softly. Fenris offered him an understanding smile.

                “I know how it feels. I think about my sister in California all the time,” he said reassuringly. “Worry is one of the jobs that comes with the position of older sibling.”

                “You’re right,” Garrett said, pushing his empty glass away from him. Fenris stood up and cleared the glass, checking around for other customers. Still no one.

                “This place is dead tonight,” Fenris groaned. “I’m glad you came by or I’d end up cleaning the places that haven’t been touched in years.”

                “That’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it?”

                “No,” Fenris agreed. “It’s just disgusting. They don’t get cleaned routinely because they don’t need to be, so when someone does get around to cleaning it, you’d need a hazmat suit.”

                “Sounds pleasant,” Garrett laughed.

                “Terribly.”

                “I should probably head home soon,” Garrett said, glancing at the clock on the wall. Fenris frowned.

                “Well, if you must,” he said, sighing dramatically.

                “I really only came over here to chat and ask you on tomorrow’s date. I’m having a late dinner with Bethany tonight,” Garrett admitted. “I’ve already stayed past when I should have, but what can I say? I enjoy talking to you.” Fenris smiled.

                “Well, why don’t we work out the details for tomorrow and then you get on your way?” he suggested.

                “What time works for you?” Garrett asked. “I’ve got rehearsal with the band until two, and then any time after that works for me.”

                “I’m at dance class until four, and I’d like to get cleaned up afterwards. How about we meet outside here at six? This is a good in-between for my apartment and Bethany’s place,” Fenris said.

                “Sounds good to me. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

                “Indeed.” Fenris smiled. Garrett got up, waved his goodbye, and walked out. Fenris watched him go with a small smile on his face.

\---

                Time couldn’t have gone any slower as Fenris spent the day running errands. Even his dance class (which was one of the few things he genuinely looked forward to) seemed to drag by. Finally, he was at home, showered, and waiting to head out the door. He hadn’t thought he was as nervous and excited as he was until he got home from work and tried to sleep. He lay awake for at least an hour, his mind working furiously as he imagined every possible way the date could go wrong (and right).

                As Fenris grabbed his keys, he realized he hadn’t put on his jacket. He grabbed the jacket off the hook in the hallway and put it on before he realized that it was Garrett’s jacket he had borrowed when his shirt had gotten soaked. He smiled and brought the overly long sleeves to his face and breathed in the smell. It smiled like cloves and dryer sheets, an odd combination that Fenris found comforting. He had been delaying its return for that reason. Before he left his apartment, he loosely wrapped his scarf around his neck. It wasn’t snowing yet, but it was definitely getting colder.

                The walk to Corff’s seemed to go by both slowly and too quickly. Fenris’ heart raced as he worried that something would go wrong or that Garrett would be running late or get caught up in family business and not show up. He knew it was absurd; Garrett was one of the most punctual people he knew. He may not have had much else going for him in terms of professionalism, but the man was always on time or early. Fenris checked his watch as he neared the street the bar was on. 5:45. Only fifteen more minutes.

                Standing outside the bar, leaning against a brick wall, Fenris found himself checking his watch every fifteen seconds. He shook his head and laughed quietly at himself. He was starting to understand the expression “butterflies in your stomach.” He tucked his hands into the jacket pockets to warm them as the sunlight faded. 5:53.

                The colors of the sky were beautiful in tonight’s sunset, Fenris thought. There were streaks of purple and pink, with the clouds seeming to glow golden. It was a fitting sunset for such a hopeful evening, he thought, staring into the sky.

                “Beautiful sunset, isn’t it?” Fenris turned at the sound of Garrett’s voice.

                “I’m not used to seeing one so clearly in the city,” Fenris replied, standing up from where he had been leaning. He smiled.

                “Me neither,” Garrett said, returning the smile. “Well, shall we?” He offered his arm for Fenris to take. Fenris raised an eyebrow, but put his arm through Garrett’s. “It’s less couple-y than holding hands but still makes this feel like a date.”

                “Yes, it does,” Fenris said, entirely comfortable with the arrangement. “I’m glad it’s not raining tonight.”

                “Shh, you’ll jinx us,” Garrett chided good-naturedly. Fenris snorted. “Though I’m glad, too. Walking in the rain is no fun unless you’re sharing an umbrella with someone you like.”

                “Maybe we should try it sometime,” Fenris suggested quietly, earning a grin from his companion.

                “Maybe we should. By the way, I’m glad my jacket is going to use.” Fenris looked down and blushed. He had meant to change in to his own jacket, but had apparently neglected to. Garrett noticed his embarrassment. “You’re welcome to keep it. I have more than one, and you seem to like that. Like I told you before, it looks cute on you.”

                “Thanks,” Fenris mumbled. “I… like the way it smells.” Garrett raised his eyebrows. “It’s like cloves and dryer sheets and it’s really nice. I didn’t mean to say that much.” Garrett laughed.

                “I don’t mind,” he assured Fenris, leaning in to him a little. “However,” he paused, “I get this.” He reached over and unwrapped Fenris’ scarf, then put it around his own neck.

                “Hey!” It was surprisingly cold without it on. Fenris zipped the jacket up higher. “I suppose it’s a fair trade.”

                Garrett lifted the scarf to his face and smelled it. He smiled. “Soap and rosemary,” he declared. Fenris furrowed his brow, then realized why it would smell like rosemary.

                “Varania used to keep sprigs of rosemary in our winter clothes closet to keep them smelling nice, and I picked up the habit. It works,” Fenris said with a shrug.

                “I like it,” Garrett said softly. Fenris looked at him and smiled. He felt comfortable in silence as they walked, content to just be in the company of his date. Thinking of Garrett as his date felt both strange and completely right, but when he thought of the idea of Garrett as his _boyfriend_ , it just felt strange. One date didn’t make Garrett his boyfriend, right? Maybe that would be a conversation for afterwards.

                “So, tell me about your dance class. What style do you do?” Garrett asked, breaking Fenris out of his thoughts.

                “Mostly contemporary dance. I have a ballet background, but it’s too rigid for me to try to perform regularly. Ballet has a lot more rules than many people realize. Your body has to be positioned just right or you’re doing something entirely different. Besides, I’m actually too old to try for a ballet career,” Fenris said with a shrug. “Contemporary is much freer. I find it a lot easier to connect emotionally to contemporary choreography. One of the women at the studio I take classes at just choreographed an entire routine about having a stillbirth, and it was really heartbreaking and beautiful.”

                “Odd subject to choreograph, isn’t it?” Garrett asked, his brow furrowed.

                “Yes, but that’s the beauty of dance. If you didn’t know it was about her stillborn, you wouldn’t have known, because it’s not like music with lyrics. You probably would have picked up the immense sadness in it, but not the exact story. It’s vague but emotionally charged,” Fenris replied. “You listen to music you like because you relate to the lyrics in some way, but you watch dance to feel something else.”

                “I think I understand,” Garrett said, watching Fenris’ face intently. “I can tell how passionate you are about it. Your whole face lights up when you’re talking about it.” Fenris blushed.

                “It was always an escape for me. I can tell my story through dance without having to say anything, and someone will understand,” he said. “It’s like you with your music. Different medium, similar intent.”

                “I guess it is. Music has always been something I love. It’s so complex and there are so many different types of it. I studied music in college, so I ended up learning about classical music, too. I mean, it’s so diverse! There’s Beethoven and Mozart, who a lot of people know, but have you heard of John Cage’s 4’33”?” Garrett asked, his excitement making Fenris giggle. Fenris shook his head. “A lot of people _hate_ it. It’s four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence. The whole point of it is that those listening create the sound. So, the only sound from the stage is the musicians turning blank pages—crazy right? But if an audience member sneezes, that’s part of the performance! So no two performances are the same. I think it’s really, really interesting that we can call that music and people like me—there aren’t a lot of people who share my opinion—really think it’s cool.”

                “I didn’t realize you like classical music,” Fenris said.

                “Oh yeah. It’s the root of all other styles, you know. It’s like the ballet of music,” Garrett said. Fenris nodded. “We’re about a block from the restaurant now. It’s called The Fat Greek and I seriously think you’ll like it.”

                “I’m starving, so I’m looking forward to it,” Fenris assured him. They arrived at a hole-in-the-wall place that was doing a good business, but was by no means full. Garrett reluctantly unhooked his arm from Fenris’ so they could fit through the door.

                It was a lively little place that smelled like spices. Fenris couldn’t place a lot of the smells, but his mouth watered at them. Fenris looked at the handwritten menu on a large blackboard, and felt a little baffled by the names of some of the items. Garrett laughed at his expression, evidently one of confusion.

                “Do you want chicken, fish, or a lamb and beef combination?” Garrett asked, trying to help Fenris’ confusion.

                “How about you just order me the same thing you order? I trust your judgement,” Fenris said. Garrett raised his eyebrows.

                “That’s quite the compliment, coming from you,” he said.

                Fenris didn’t really know how to respond, so he just laughed, a little embarrassed. “I’ll go sit down while you order.”

                “Sure. What do you want to drink?” Garrett asked. Fenris looked over the blackboard for anything about drinks.

                “Just water should be fine, thanks,” he replied, walking over to and claiming an empty table in the corner. He watched Garrett at the register, smiling as he noticed that Garrett was absent-mindedly playing with his scarf. When Garrett finished paying, he walked over to the table and put a number on top of it.

                “It’s a nice little place, isn’t it?” he asked. Fenris nodded.

                “It smells amazing in here,” he added.

                “It’s pretty authentic, too. One time I was here, I ended up briefly talking to the owner. His family actually came here from Greece when he was little. His parents started the restaurant a few years ago and gave him ownership since he had gotten a business degree. I think his parents still come in and cook occasionally,” Garrett said, glancing over to the counter.

                “That’s cool,” Fenris said. Garrett nodded in agreement.

                “Going back to our conversation earlier, about dance, did you want to teach dance someday?” Garrett asked.

                “It is my hope,” Fenris said. “I don’t have the patience to teach a serious studio for people who want to become professional, nor will I have the experience for it, I think. I just want to teach a casual class for people who like it.”

                “I’ve never seen you dance, but I think you’d be a good teacher. Strict, but good,” Garrett said, resting his chin on his hand and watching Fenris with a smile. Fenris shrugged.

                “I would hope so. The biggest problem with it is that dance is very physical. Your instructor often has to physically manipulate your body into the proper position, and I’m not completely comfortable with touching people or being touched,” Fenris admitted. Garrett nodded his understanding. “I’ve worked an arrangement with my instructor that she tells to any visiting choreographers, where if she can verbally get me to tweak my position, she’ll do that. Physical adjustment is the last resort.”

                “At least she understands and respects that.”

                “Yes. There are a few others who are similar in their comfort with being touched, and she accommodates everyone,” Fenris said.

                “It sounds like she’s invested in her students,” Garrett prompted.

                “In her long-term students, yes. Those of us who have been there regularly for a few years, she’s gotten to know and is incredibly supportive of. There are some people who come in sporadically, and she still is interested in their development and supports them, but not in the same way she supports the others,” Fenris explained.

                “That’s really awesome.” Garrett was giving him a strange look; he was smiling, but there was something else there. Fenris couldn’t really tell what it was, but it made him feel like what he had to say was important and interesting. He smiled.

                “It really is. She supports us beyond in the studio. She’s always been willing to sit down and talk through anything that’s weighing her students down.”

                “My college voice teacher was like that. She was really in tune with us and if someone was struggling, she cancelled your lesson that day, and took you to get coffee and talk and just make sure you’re doing okay,” Garrett said fondly, clearly remembering some personal experiences. “She helped me through some tough times. Even though I don’t study with her anymore, I still write to her. She’s come to see Lothering play a couple times, and she seemed to enjoy it.”

                “You are an amazing singer. Before I met you, I had heard that you were good, but you have a presence, too.”

                “That might be helped by the fact that I’m over six feet tall and kind of bulky,” Garrett joked half-seriously. Fenris laughed.

                “Perhaps,” he agreed. They were interrupted by the arrival of their food. Fenris hadn’t noticed when their glasses of water had been set down, but by the looks of the condensation on the glasses, they had been there for a little while. He looked down at the plate in front of him, then up to Garrett for an explanation of what it was.

                “It’s a gyro! It’s sort of like a Greek sandwich. It’s lamb and beef, lettuce, tomato, olives, feta cheese, and tzatziki sauce. There’s this little thing of hot sauce, you should try it on it, too,” Garrett said, dumping the hot sauce on his own. Fenris snorted. “It’s really good. They make the sauce here. There’s also tabouli salad and the plate in between us is a hummus and pita plate to split.”

                Fenris took Garrett’s advice and put the hot sauce on his gyro. He took a few bites.

                “This is really good,” Fenris said.

                “I told you that you’d like it,” Garrett replied through a mouthful of food.

                “As usual, you’re right,” Fenris laughed, poking fun with the first part of the statement.

                “Hey, I’m no know-it-all,” Garrett retorted. “I just happen to have a sixth sense that tells me the right answers.”

                “So… a voice in your head?”

                “Well, when you put it that way, it makes me sound a little crazy.”

                “Just admit you’re a know-it-all, Garrett.”

                Garrett stuck out his tongue and went back to eating his gyro. Fenris laughed.

                “Very mature,” he said before he also returned to eating. Garrett rolled his eyes.

                “Didn’t we agree that I was actually a child?” he asked in between bites.

                “We did. I forgot about that,” Fenris admitted. They fell into a comfortable silence while they continued to eat. At one point, he looked across at Garrett and stifled a laugh. “You, um, have hot sauce in your beard.” Garrett blushed.

                “Unfortunately, this is fairly common. Beards are great until you have messy food,” he said, grabbing a napkin and scrubbing his beard. Fenris found it amusing and couldn’t keep himself from laughing.

                “I can’t grow facial hair, so I wouldn’t know,” he managed through his laughs. Garrett couldn’t help but smile in return.

                “Is it mostly gone?” he asked.

                “It looks like you got all of it,” Fenris answered, finally managing to control his laughter and reduce it to a smile.

                “Beards are a pain, but I’ve heard other people like it,” Garrett said with a shrug. Fenris offered him a shy smile.

                “I think it looks good,” he mumbled, looking anywhere but at Garrett.

                “Well, then, I have to keep it,” Garrett replied with a sly grin. “Just for you. And because I look like I’m twelve when I shave.” Fenris gave him a long look.

                “I can’t really imagine that,” he said finally. Garrett laughed.

                “Trust me, you don’t want to see it. Or, rather, I don’t really want you to see it. It’s not my favorite look for myself,” he said. “Oh wait, hold on.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He looked through it for a moment and pulled out a picture. “Mother had us take these pictures after Father died. I hadn’t been growing a beard yet. Just don’t make fun, all right?” He handed over a picture of himself, his siblings, and Leandra. Fenris gave it a look and smiled.

                “You look more like Bethany and Carver without the beard. I like the beard better,” he said, handing the picture back. Garrett put the photo away.

                “I like the beard better, too,” he agreed, taking a piece of pita from the plate in the middle and dipping it in his remaining hot sauce.

                “This was a lot more food than it looked,” Fenris said, looking down at his nearly empty plate. “I don’t think I can eat the last of this.”

                “It’s pretty filling stuff,” Garrett said. “I’m pretty full, too. We shouldn’t linger too long once we’re done. They’re getting pretty busy.” Fenris looked around and saw that nearly every table was occupied. “They’re BYOB and open late, so they get busier later.”

                “I could see this being a good place to go after a few drinks.”

                “I discovered this place while drunk at Bethany’s one time. She was buzzed, Carver had passed out, and I was just drunk enough to be up for anything, and we were hungry but too inebriated to cook. So, we came out here and saw this place was open, and it was great. It’s also great hangover food,” Garrett informed him with a grin. Fenris laughed and shook his head.

                “You _would_ know that,” Fenris said. “I’ll keep this place in mind when patrons ask me for a good place to go get something to eat after they’ve been at the bar a while.”

                “It’s a good option. Hey, after this, do you maybe want to come by my apartment and talk, maybe have a beer or a glass of wine?” Garrett asked, suddenly meek. Fenris raised his eyebrows.

                “Do I have your promise that you won’t try anything I don’t agree to?” he asked.

                “Of course.” Garrett offered a reassuring smile. “This is only the first date, after all. Hopefully there are more?”

                “Then, I’d be happy to go over to your apartment,” Fenris said, returning the smile. “I would not say no to another date.” Garrett looked immensely pleased.

                “Well, I’m finished, so, shall we?” Garrett asked, standing up. Fenris followed suit and followed Garrett out of the restaurant.

                It was much chillier outside, the sun long set. Fenris unconsciously moved closer to Garrett, who radiated more heat than Fenris did. Garrett looked over at Fenris and put his arm around his shoulder.

                “Is this okay?” Garrett asked. Fenris leaned in to Garrett more.

                “I think so,” he said, looking down to hide his smile from Garrett. “It’s cold and you’re warm.” He was mumbling, but Garrett heard him and squeezed his shoulder.

                “My apartment is a long enough walk that in this cold, we should probably catch a taxi. It’s about forty-five minutes away walking, but a taxi could get us there in about ten,” Garrett suggested.

                “Probably a good idea. I’m not dressed for forty-five minutes out here. Since you paid for dinner, I’ll pay for the cab. Deal?” Fenris asked, pulling out his wallet to check that he had enough cash on him.

                “I should probably object to you paying, but given how little money I have to spend on things like cabs, I’ll take that deal,” Garrett said sheepishly. Fenris laughed. Garrett hailed a passing taxi, and he and Fenris climbed in.

\---

                Garrett’s apartment was surprisingly spacious. It had a large living room looking out a windowed wall to a small balcony and fire escape. Fenris had made himself comfortable on the couch, watching the moon out the window. Garrett sat down next to Fenris and handed him a glass of red wine. Fenris took the glass and swirled the wine around, lifting the glass to his nose and taking a deep breath through his nose.

                “I hate to tell you, but this is a cheap wine from the corner store,” Garrett said with a laugh. Fenris blushed.

                “Habit,” he said, taking a sip. It wasn’t the worst wine he’d ever had, but it was nowhere near great. He wasn’t a connoisseur by any means, but he was fairly picky. Fenris took a larger drink and sighed. “I have to ask a fairly serious question of you.”

                “Go ahead,” Garrett said, shifting so he faced Fenris.

                “We’ve gone on a date now. We would both like to go on another. What are you expecting of this… of me?” Fenris asked, looking at the coffee table rather than at Garrett. “I mean, does this make me your boyfriend? Are we _dating_ or two people who are interested in each other going on dates? Is there even a difference? I don’t know how any of this works, and I’m quite honestly nervous about this.” Garrett didn’t answer for a moment.

                “What do you want this to be? My hope is eventually you will become my boyfriend and I’ll become yours, but in my experience, that comes after a few dates. For now, I would say that we’re dating,” he responded with a lot of thought. “Is that what you want?”

                “For now, yes,” Fenris replied. Garrett had put it in a way that felt right to Fenris.

                “That works for me, too,” Garrett said. Fenris took another drink of his wine.

                “Forgive me if I’m reluctant about… being physical. It’s something that’s always had a negative memory for me. I have to be blunt with you, thinking about sex makes me extremely uncomfortable because it’s associated with my father,” Fenris admitted, running a hand through his hair. “If we do continue this relationship, I assume it’s something you’ll want, and I don’t know if I can give that to you. At least, not for a while. I’ve come to trust you, yes, but sex involves giving up trust completely. Perhaps we will reach that point, but I have to consider the idea that I will never reach that point. If I am never able to have sex with you, will you leave me?” Fenris looked into Garrett’s face and saw understanding and something he couldn’t place. He reached across and took Garrett’s hand with his own.

                “Relationships are about more than sex, Fenris,” Garrett said softly. “I know that you have completely valid reasons for being wary of it, and I will respect that, and I will respect your boundaries. It might be difficult for me sometimes, but I won’t leave you for not wanting to have sex. I have my hands, you know?” Garrett immediately blushed, as did Fenris, but coughed and continued. “Sex isn’t a necessity in a relationship. It’s great if you can have it, but you don’t need it for a relationship to be healthy or happy.”

                “Thank you, Garrett,” Fenris said softly, linking his fingers with Garrett’s. He put his glass of wine down on the coffee table, moved closer to Garrett and rested his head on his shoulder. “I feel very comfortable with you right now.”

                “I’m glad,” Garrett replied, squeezing Fenris’ hand. “I want you to like me, but I want you to feel comfortable first.” He put his free arm around Fenris’ shoulders.

                “You’ve done a good job of that. I may call you an idiot, but you’ve gone out of your way to make me feel safe in situations I’ve never been in.”

                “I’m a bit of an asshole sometimes, I’ll admit, but I don’t want anyone to ever feel unsafe or to have their trust broken.” Garrett sounded pensive. “I do have to tell you something, though. Only a few people know because it’s hugely important but also very private.”

                “Hmm?”

                Garrett took a deep breath, and seemed to be searching for the words to say. As he seemed to find them, his phone rang.

                “Son of a bitch,” Garrett muttered. “I don’t have an answering machine, sorry.” Fenris sat up to allow Garrett to get up.

                “Hello?” Garrett picked up the phone and stood with on hand on his hip, clearly irritated. “Bethany? Is everything—“ His expression changed entirely, to one of concern. “Beth, Bethy, calm down. What is going on?” His brow furrowed. “I can’t understand you, please, slow down.” After a moment, Garrett’s eyes widened and he gasped. “No, no, where are you?” A pause. “Does Carver know?” Another pause in which Garrett covered his face with his hand. “Hang on. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up the phone and looked at Fenris. He looked devastated.

                “What happened?” Fenris asked, standing up and walking to Garrett.

                “Mother’s been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition in the hospital.”


	5. Don't Know What You Got

                “Are you serious?” Fenris asked, staring at Garrett in disbelief. He started frantically walking around, trying to grab his jacket.

                “Yes, Bethany says it’s really bad. I need to get to the hospital,” Garrett said, running a hand through his hair in what looked like panic. He stopped suddenly and looked at Fenris. “Please come with me. I don’t know if I can do this by myself.”

                “Are you certain you want me to?” Fenris asked. Garrett looked at him in desperation.

                “Yes, I’m certain! Please, Fenris, we have to go now,” he pleaded. Fenris closed his eyes.

                “I will come. How do you plan to get there?”

                Garrett looked relieved beyond words, and searched through his jacket pocket. “I have a motorcycle,” he admitted, pulling out a set of keys.

                “You do?” Fenris asked before he could stop himself. “But now is not the time to discuss this. We should go.” Garrett nodded, ushering Fenris out of the apartment and locking the door behind them. They moved with a sense of urgency, and Fenris could feel the panic and anxiety emanating from Garrett.

                True to his word, Garrett had a motorcycle parked on the street outside his apartment building. He removed the chain lock and got on. “Get on behind me, and hold on to me. I’m going to drive like speeding tickets don’t exist,” he informed Fenris, who proceeded to abandon all hesitation at the close contact, and got on behind Garret, locking his arms around his waist. The jolt that accompanied Garrett accelerating a little too quickly made Fenris hold on tighter. He had never been on a motorcycle before.

                His chest was pressed to Garrett’s back, and despite the urgency with which Garrett drove, it was comfortable. He felt a little guilty for thinking about how comfortable he was while Garrett was worried about his mother. He was concerned as well; he had met Leandra a few times, but usually in passing. He had only had one real conversation with her, but she clearly cared for her children deeply. Fenris was more worried about Garrett. He had had his disagreements with Leandra, but he loved her and depended on her support in ways that Fenris knew he couldn’t begin to understand. He wondered if Garrett could sense that Fenris was trying to offer comfort, and leaned his head on Garrett’s back, hoping the gesture conveyed what he couldn’t say.  

                The motorcycle slowed outside of the emergency room of the hospital (Fenris didn’t know which hospital; he hadn’t paid attention to where they were going at all). Garrett pulled into a parking space, and Fenris dismounted the bike as quickly as possible to allow Garrett to get off. Garrett nearly ran into the hospital with Fenris close behind.

                Garrett approached the nurse at the reception desk. She looked up at him.

                “My mother was admitted not too long ago. She was in a car accident. My sister is here,” Garrett said quickly, and the nurse looked through her files.

                “Last name?” she asked, moving much slower than Garrett would have liked. He kept tapping his foot and his hands couldn’t stop moving.

                “Hawke,” he replied curtly. “The patient’s name is Leandra.” The nurse found whatever file she was looking for.

                “She’s in surgery now, but I can take you back to the waiting area,” she said. Garrett sighed. If Leandra was in surgery, there was nothing he could do to see her before she was out and awake.

                “Please,” Garrett said. “Do you know anything about her condition?”

                “Sorry, I don’t. A nurse in the ICU might,” she suggested, walking out from behind her desk. Garrett followed her and motioned for Fenris to come to. He wasn’t sure if he was actually allowed back there, but until anyone stopped him, he would go. They walked through several hallways to another waiting room, where Bethany was sitting, her face puffy and eyes red. She looked over to see Garrett and Fenris, stood, and ran to Garrett, throwing her arms around him.

                “Garrett,” she sobbed, burying her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and all the tension seemed to drain out of him. He looked exhausted and scared. Fenris looked away, feeling as though he was intruding on a family moment that he wasn’t supposed to share. After a few moments of silence, Garrett and Bethany broke apart, and she fully realized that Fenris was there. She offered him a sad smile through her tears, and he tried to offer her a comforting smile.

                “What happened?” Garrett asked, guiding his sister back to her seat and taking the seat next to her. Fenris took the seat on Garrett’s other side. Bethany took a deep breath to calm her sobs.

                “Mother and I had dinner at my apartment tonight,” she began, hiccoughing slightly. “When she was leaving, I waited on the street to make sure she drove off okay and that there weren’t any creeps in her car, and when she was going through the intersection right next to the building,“ Bethany paused, struggling to continue, “A truck ran the light from the other direction and t-boned her car at a really fast speed. Garrett, when he hit her car it sounded like a cannon. I thought the world was ending.” She broke down in wracking sobs, and Garrett took both of her hands to stop his from shaking. Bethany sniffled, brokenly continuing. “I ran back inside… I called 911. When I got back to the street, people had gathered around. Mother’s side of the car was crushed. The paramedics couldn’t get her out of the car without cutting the door off. Garrett, she looked so broken and there was blood everywhere. Oh God, the blood.” Her eyes were wide and she looked terrified.

                “I rode in the ambulance with her, Garrett. She looked so small and frail like that, and the paramedics wouldn’t say anything to me about her,” Bethany said. Garrett gripped her hands tighter. She looked at Garrett and her expression changed to one of rage. “Do you know that the man who hit her had been shooting up heroin while he was driving? He was thrown through his windshield and died on the street. It’s not fair that he did that and got to die quickly while Mother is suffering… Oh, Garrett, they told me that it was unlikely she would survive with all the blood she lost.” Bethany broke back down into sobs, and Fenris covered his mouth with one hand. He couldn’t imagine the pain Leandra had to be in.

                Garrett couldn’t say anything, but he wrapped his sister in his arms again and let his own tears fall. Cautiously Fenris reached out and put a hand on Garrett’s shoulder, trying to offer what hope and comfort he could. Garrett glanced over at Fenris and tried to smile, but failed. Fenris understood, though, and kept his hand where it was.

                “How long has she been in surgery?” Garrett finally asked, his voice hoarse.

                “She went in not long before I called you,” Bethany replied quietly. “She could be in there for hours, they said.”

                “Fenris, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Garrett said, turning his head to look at Fenris. “It might be a long night.” Fenris squeezed his shoulder.

                “I intend to stay, Garrett,” he promised. Garrett smiled as best he could, and reached one hand over to hold Fenris’.

                “Thank you,” he whispered.

                “You two were together when I called, weren’t you?” Bethany asked, trying to be coy, but giving up halfway through her statement. She was drained, and it showed on her face.

                “Yes, we were,” Fenris said before Garrett could say anything.

                “I’m glad. You’re both good people who could be good for each other,” she said, giving them a tired smile. “Garrett told me about your date when we had dinner last night.”

                “It was fun,” Fenris said, squeezing Garrett’s hand.

                “Sorry to change the subject, because it was fun, but does Carver know?” Garrett asked. Bethany sighed.

                “He wasn’t at his place when I called, or he wouldn’t pick up. I think he was over at Meredith’s place, but he refused to give me her number. I left him a message, so I hope he goes home soon to hear it,” Bethany responded. “He should be here. It’s not his fault if he wasn’t home, though.”

                Garrett swore under his breath. Bethany gave him a disapproving look. “Sorry, Bethy. He’s been such an asshole lately that even though I know it’s unlikely he’s just ignoring your message, I feel like he is,” Garrett explained tersely.

                “I know,” Bethany replied, glancing over at the clock on the wall. “We can just hope he gets the message.”

Despite time ticking by slowly, the three of them were quickly growing more and more tired. Bethany’s head drooped, and Garrett gently guided her head so that it rested on his shoulder. Fenris stifled a yawn and leaned his head against the wall behind the chair and closed his eyes.

Fenris woke slowly, his neck extremely sore from the way he’d fallen asleep. He glanced to Garrett and Bethany, who were both still asleep. He looked at the clock and grimaced. It was two in the morning, and there was still no news of Leandra. They had been there for more than three hours, and while Fenris was not surprised that surgery could take so long, especially in a case like Leandra’s, but he couldn’t help the feeling that things were horribly wrong. He looked back at the sleeping siblings.

Garrett looked so tired and small in his sleep. There were circles under his eyes and fine lines that Fenris had never noticed before. His mouth was fixed in a frown. Bethany, on the other hand, looked peaceful. She looked haggard from the night’s events, but she seemed to be much more at peace in her sleep than Garrett was. Tentatively, Fenris reached out and stroked Garrett’s hair, a motion that had served to relax him when he was upset. Perhaps it would do the same for Garrett. He shifted slightly at Fenris’ touch, but did not wake. He leaned just slightly into the hand on his hair, and the frown became a slight smile.

The waiting room was incredibly quiet, making Fenris hyperaware of every time he moved and his clothes rustled. They were still the only people there, which he supposed was probably a good thing. He had no idea how busy hospitals were supposed to be, but there had been a fair amount of people in the first room they had been in. They were in emergency surgery now. If he had to guess, not many of the people waiting in the entry room had any cause to be here.

The sound of one of the doors opening seemed so loud in the silence that Fenris jumped, startled. His movement coupled with the noise woke Garrett and Bethany, and they sleepily looked around. The door in question was the same door that Fenris and Garrett had come through to get to the room. A panicked Carver ran over to them and knelt on the floor.

“I just got your message and got here as soon as I could,” he said. “How is she? Is she okay? What  _happened?_ ” His questions came quickly one after the other. Bethany had woken up enough to relay everything that she knew, though her retelling of the accident was much less graphic this time. Carver paled, slowly sinking down to sit on the floor.

“We haven’t heard anything since we’ve been here,” Garrett said, yawning and stretching. “Come join the waiting game.” Garrett offered Carver a hand to help him get off the floor. Carver stood and seemed to notice Fenris for the first time, giving him a confused look.

                “What are you doing here?” he asked, furrowing his brow.

                “I was with Garrett when Bethany called him, and he asked me to come,” Fenris replied, trying to keep from being annoyed with Carver’s blunt attitude. He knew Carver was legitimately confused as to why he would be there, but the way the question was phrased made him a tad defensive.

                “That makes sense, I guess,” Carver muttered, shrugging and sitting down next to Bethany. He seemed less than pleased by Fenris’ response. Garrett gave Carver an annoyed look.

                “He’s not that thrilled that I date men,” Garrett whispered, leaning over to Fenris. “He’s usually not vocal about it, except when I’m actively pursuing someone. Then he doesn’t hesitate to let me know his disapproval.” Fenris snorted.

                “It’s not his life, so why does he care?” Fenris asked, frowning. Garrett shrugged.

                “It stopped bothering me a while ago,” he replied truthfully. Fenris gave him a long look, searching for any sign of a lie.

                “Not many people could say that and mean it,” he finally said, taking Garrett’s hand again. It was a comforting gesture to both of them, Fenris thought, and it felt like the best way to convey his support to Garrett. He wasn’t good with words for these situations, and he thought Garrett sensed that.

                “I’m pretty unique,” Garrett said with a wry smile. Fenris quietly laughed.

                “Yes, that you are.”

                “I hate that we haven’t heard anything,” Bethany said with a sigh, interrupting their quiet conversation. Garrett turned his head to look at her.

                “I do too, Bethy,” he agreed. They lapsed into silence, and Fenris gave Garrett’s hand a squeeze. The four of them sat there for some time in a tentative silence as if they wanted to speak, but none of them knew the right words to say.

                Fenris felt the silence getting louder and pressing around them. It was unnerving. The sound of the door opening almost felt like a release, though when he realized that there was a doctor standing there, he knew that the sensation wouldn’t last long. All eyes were on the doctor standing a few feet from them. He looked grim.

                “Are you the Hawke family?” he asked.

                “Yes,” Garrett replied. “Is our mother…?” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence, and the doctor sighed.

                “I’m sorry. She lost too much blood to survive. We tried, but it wasn’t possible,” he said flatly, as if keeping his statement devoid of emotion would make it less painful. Fenris felt his heart sink, and looked to the three Hawke siblings next to him, and saw shocked despair. Bethany seemed to crumple, silently bringing her hands to her face as her body began to shake with violent sobs. Garrett gripped Fenris’ hand tightly, his knuckles white. His jaw was clenched, and Fenris could see tears threatening to spill over.

                “Did you even try?” Carver asked, his voice shaking with rage. His hands were clenched in fists, and he looked ready to spring. Before the doctor could respond, Carver leapt up. Fenris poised to jump in between if he needed to. “Did you even try to save her or did you just let her die?” Carver started walking towards the doctor, and Fenris jumped up.

                “This isn’t going to help anything,” he said, standing in front of Carver. That was apparently the wrong thing to say.

                “Who are you to say anything? She wasn’t your mother,” Carver snarled, focusing his attention on Fenris. “You don’t even have a right to be here. You don’t care about her. You’re just one of the stupid Bohemian freeloaders that Garrett and Bethany just happened to get along with. You shouldn’t be here with people who care, you fucking faggot  _freak_!” Carver spat the last word, and Fenris held eye contact with him. He took a step towards Carver.

                “She was not my mother, but that does not mean I do not care about her. Leandra is the mother of people I care about,” Fenris hissed, balling his hands into fists to prevent himself from punching Carver. He knew Carver was upset, but that did not keep Fenris from having to suppress his anger. “I am here to offer support to Garrett, not to steal your ill-handled grief.” Carver roughly shoved Fenris backwards, and Fenris stumbled over his feet and fell back.

                “Carver, stop it!” Bethany cried as Garrett jumped up. Garrett ran in front of Carver, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him.

                “What are you trying to do?” Garrett asked angrily. “If she were here, Mother would be ashamed of your behavior! We’re all upset, but blaming the doctors or getting angry at Fenris isn’t going to help anything. Pull yourself together!” Garrett pulled Carver into a crushing hug. “We need to be here for each other through this, Carver. Please. Fighting isn’t going to bring her back.” Carver relaxed into Garrett’s hug, the fight draining from him completely.

                “I don’t know what I was thinking,” Carver admitted, pulling away from his brother. He looked to Fenris, who hadn’t gotten up, and offered a hand to help him up. Fenris reluctantly took it and gave Carver an angry look. “I’m… sorry. I didn’t mean what I said.” Fenris scoffed.

                “Didn’t you? I understand you’re grieving, but your words still wound,” he replied, crossing his arms. Garrett stepped in between them.

                “Carver, you had no right to attack him,” Garrett said softly. “Fenris, please. Just, deal with this later. We’re exhausted and not thinking straight.” Fenris sighed, letting the tension leave him.

                “I apologize,” Fenris murmured.

Bethany stood, walking over to the doctor, who had stood there through the entire ordeal.

“You’re not really seeing us at our best,” she said apologetically. He gave her an understanding look.

“Your reactions are not the worst I’ve seen,” he assured her. “I’m sure you have questions about where to go from here.”

“Yes,” she replied. She looked around. “Carver, Garrett, Fenris, you should head home. I can deal with this for now.” Garrett took her arm gently.

“Are you sure? We’ll stay if you need us to,” Garrett said quietly. She looked at him and smiled weakly.

“This part is easier with fewer people,” the doctor interrupted.

“I’m sure, Garrett,” Bethany reassured him, turning her attention back to the doctor. Garrett sighed, took Fenris’ hand, and left Bethany in the waiting room.

On the way back to Garrett’s motorcycle, Fenris stopped and turned to Garrett.

“Are you going to be okay tonight?” he asked seriously, looking into Garrett’s face.

“I don’t know,” Garrett whispered. “I know this is a lot to ask, Fenris, but I don’t know if I can face being alone.” He looked helpless and small. Fenris put his hand on Garrett’s cheek.

“I will provide whatever support you need from me,” he assured softly.

“Thank you.” Garrett seemed relieved. Fenris removed his hand from Garrett’s face, and offered him a sympathetic smile. Garrett seemed like he wanted to say something else, but kept his mouth shut. They continued walking, out into the cold night air in the parking lot. It might have been his imagination, but Fenris thought the light from the moon and stars seemed duller than it had before.

\---

“Thank you for coming with me,” Garrett said, unlocking his apartment door. “It meant more than you know.” Fenris followed him inside.

“You’re welcome. It felt like the right thing to do,” he said. “I only met her a few times, but I know you loved your mother very much and she loved you.”

“She was more important to me than anyone else,” Garrett said softly. “It hasn’t registered yet. I just can’t believe that she’s…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He cleared his throat and turned to look at Fenris. “I don’t really have a guest room, but if it’s okay, I’d really like you in my room with me. I’ll sleep on the floor if it makes you more comfortable.”

“I should be the one on the floor if either of us will be,” Fenris immediately replied, then paused for a moment, weighing his options. “I suppose I don’t mind sharing a bed. Someone else’s presence can be a comforting thing in times like this.”

“I just need to know I’m not alone,” Garrett explained. “I won’t try anything, I promise.” Fenris chuckled, despite himself.

“I didn’t think you would,” he said. Garrett gestured to Fenris to follow him down the hall to his room.

“The bathroom is through that door,” he said, pointing to said door. “I have some pajamas you can borrow, though they’re probably a bit big.” He searched through a dresser, and pulled out a pair, tossing them to Fenris. “I don’t have an extra toothbrush, though. I’m sorry.”

“I think I’ll be all right for now,” Fenris said, entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. He caught a glance of himself in the mirror and had to keep from laughing. His hair was a mess and he looked exhausted. Shaking his head, he turned away from the mirror and stripped himself of his clothes. He pulled on the pants Garrett had given him and was not surprised to see that they were far too large. They were several inches too long, and Fenris tied the drawstring as tightly as he could, but they were still loose on his hips. The shirt was also quite large, but in a less awkward way than the pants.

He neatly folded his own clothes, and walked out of the bathroom. Garrett had changed into his own pajamas already.

“A bit big was an understatement, I think,” Fenris commented casually, nearly tripping over the pant legs. Garrett couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t have anything smaller, I’m sorry,” he apologized. He walked past Fenris into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. Fenris looked away, feeling as though he were intruding if he looked. He looked around for a place to put his clothes and settled on placing them on top of Garrett’s dresser.

“I put my clothes on your dresser, is that all right?” Fenris asked, sitting on the edge of Garrett’s bed.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Garrett said. “I’m just going to brush my teeth and be done. By the way, I usually take the right side of the bed.”

Fenris smiled, looking at the side of the bed that was obviously the slept-in side, despite the bed being made neatly. He scooted himself to the left side of the bed. He leaned against the headboard, putting his legs under the blanket. He was tired, but he had the distinct feeling that Garrett needed to talk. Garrett had seemed to teeter on the edge of saying something since they had left the hospital, but he hadn’t.

Garrett came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, his shoulders slumped. Fenris reached out and put a hand on Garrett’s shoulder.

“Anything I could say would be insufficient,” Fenris said softly. “You don’t have to try to be unaffected now. You were strong for your siblings, but you don’t have to be strong all the time.” Garrett covered his face with his hands.

“I just… It hurts so much that I can’t process it,” Garrett admitted. “I should cry, or scream, or something, but I can’t. It feels like a dream that I’m going to wake up from any minute and she’ll be right there. She was always there for me, Fenris. How can she be gone?” He looked at Fenris with a lost, forlorn expression. Fenris felt his heart break a little.

“Come here,” he said, holding his arms out. He pulled Garrett into an embrace. Garrett’s head rested on his shoulder, and his arms wrapped around Fenris as if he were a lifeline. Fenris rubbed Garrett’s back with one hand. “I don’t know why the people we love are taken from us. Life has a cruel sense of humor that it leaves us with the things that hurt us and takes away the things we love and need.”

“She was everything,” Garrett whispered. “Oh God, Fenris, she’s really gone. This isn’t a nightmare. What am I going to do now?” Something seemed to snap inside Garrett and Fenris felt tears on his shoulder. He held Garrett tighter.

“You’re going to grieve. Then you’re going to spend time coming to terms with it, and you’ll struggle. At some point, you’ll keep her memory without too much pain, but you’ll miss her,” Fenris murmured, resting his cheek on the top of Garrett’s head. “For now, don’t try to keep yourself from hurting. Hurting is part of healing.”

“Why does it have to hurt?” Garrett asked through his tears.

“Because you love her, and even her death can’t change that. When you love someone, you always risk losing them. I think that’s why so many people are afraid to love,” Fenris said. “But when you guard yourself from it too much, you’ll lose more.”

“I know. You just never expect to lose your mother.” Garrett’s fingers were digging into Fenris’ back as he sought solace.

“No,” Fenris admitted. “But children are not meant to outlive their parents. Loss like this, however, will always be harder to cope with.” There was silence except for Garrett’s crying. Fenris turned his head and kissed the top of Garrett’s head, letting his lips linger there. He didn’t know what else he could say. He knew pain, but not loss like this. “Sleep will help, too.”

Garrett sat up, but kept his arms around Fenris. “I know I’ll get through it. It just hurts so much right now,” he sniffled, blinking the tears away. His face was puffy, and in any other circumstance, it might have been comical. Now, though, it was just breaking Fenris’ heart. It was making him think about how he felt about Garrett, and he was realizing that he had deeper feelings than he had thought. Seeing Garrett’s pain made him feel like he was being torn apart himself. He didn’t want to see Garrett go through anything like this ever again.

Fenris took his arms away from around Garrett, and slid down until he was laying down. “Sleep will help,” he repeated, gesturing for Garrett to return to his arms. “I will stay as long as you need me.” Garrett laid down and gladly moved into Fenris’ embrace.

“Thank you,” Garrett whispered, holding him close. “Thank you.” He repeated the words like a prayer, burying his face in Fenris’ neck. Fenris gently stroked Garrett’s hair until Garrett’s breathing evened and he fell asleep. Fenris was having difficulty falling asleep, though. He was thinking too much about how he felt, and how it seemed to hit him entirely too suddenly.

Sure, attraction had been growing between them for a while, but it had been minor enough that Fenris was able to push it aside and ignore it. Recently, he had realized his attraction was growing strong enough to be difficult to ignore. And now, it was overwhelming Fenris and he was aware that he  _really_ liked Garrett. It made his chest feel like it would burst, and he never wanted to let Garrett go. It was a terrifying feeling if he was honest with himself, but it was also wonderful. He was understanding why so many people shied away from love. It was scary, to not have the certainty that he could only have when his feelings were trusted to only himself.

He knew that Garrett was attracted to him as well, but Fenris was scared. He couldn’t help thoughts that he wasn’t actually what Garrett wanted, and that if they did really start a relationship, that it would end in disaster. Garrett would leave him, and Fenris would be left with nothing but pain and unresolved feelings. Yet, despite the fear, he wanted to try. He had never had feelings like this, and if he didn’t take the risk, there would be no chance of feeling something amazing.

Fenris sighed and stilled the hand on Garrett’s hair. No wonder so many people hated being interested in someone. There were so many conflicting feelings, but mostly there was an overwhelming feeling of wanting the best for Garrett. He wanted to see him happy, and seeing him so distraught triggered these feelings in Fenris. He buried his nose and mouth in Garrett’s hair and breathed in, taking in his smell and his presence. Foreign as it was, it felt right to be with him. He focused on that emotion and tried to calm his overworking mind. Finally, he felt sleep overtaking him, and he gladly welcomed it.

\---

When Fenris woke up, his arms and back were numb from having stayed in the same position for the whole night. Garrett was still asleep, so Fenris gently extracted himself from the embrace and stretched his back. He sat up and looked down at Garrett in the sunlight coming through the window. He had no idea what time it was, but if he had to guess, he would say close to noon. After all, they hadn’t gone to sleep until somewhere between four and five in the morning.

Garrett had the same expression on his face that Fenris had seen in the hospital: tired and small. It was strange to see him that way. He always presented himself as so big and full of life. Perhaps it was what he had gone through with Anders that made him that way. Fenris didn’t know if Garrett had been a different person before that, but he knew that he liked Garrett the way he was.

Garrett slowly started waking up, groaning and rolling onto his back, covering his eyes. He seemed to be having difficulty waking up, and Fenris bit back a giggle. Garrett stretched his arms over his head and opened his eyes. They took a moment to focus, but then he looked to Fenris and he smiled.

“Morning,” he said, his voice cracking as he sat up.

“Morning,” Fenris replied. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Still a little upset, but that’s as it should be,” Garrett said, offering Fenris a forced smile.

“It will be that way for a while,” Fenris informed him. “But staying in bed all day won’t help. Getting out and continuing with life will.” With that, Fenris threw the blankets off his legs and climbed out of bed, stretching his lower back. Garrett sighed heavily and followed suit.

“Do you work tonight?” Garrett asked, looking through his drawers while Fenris grabbed his clothes from the previous day.

“Yes,” Fenris replied. “But I don’t start until nine. I would like to go back to my own apartment and shower and change my clothes before then, though.” He walked into the bathroom and closed the door to change.

“You don’t have to stay, you know. I really appreciate it, but you don’t have to,” Garrett said, audible through the door. Fenris sighed softly as he pulled his jeans on.

“I… want to be here for you,” he responded, hopefully loud enough to be heard. Saying the word “want” seemed like such a difficult thing, but now that he had said it, he didn’t know why he had been afraid of it.

“Then, do you want to go get lunch and you can head to your apartment after that?” Garrett asked, relief evident in his voice.

“What time is it?” Fenris asked, not having put his watch back on.

“It’s a little past noon,” Garrett replied, to Fenris’ surprise. He hadn’t thought it was quite that late.

“Sure, then,” Fenris answered the earlier question as he opened the door back to Garrett’s room. “What do you want me to do with your pajamas?”

“I’ll take them,” Garrett said, reaching out and taking them from Fenris. “Where would you like to go?”

“There’s a Thai place by my apartment that I think you’d like. It’s a little more expensive than the Greek place was, but I’ll pay,” Fenris said.

“Are you sure? We could split the bill,” Garrett offered. Fenris turned to look at Garrett and smiled.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Fenris replied. “It’s not so expensive that I have to save to go there, Garrett. I just said that it was more expensive than the restaurant yesterday.” He couldn’t help but laugh quietly. Garrett’s genuine concern over Fenris paying for lunch was both very touching and humorous. “I appreciate the offer, but for today, let me get the bill.”

“All right,” Garrett conceded. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It feels weird, just going on with daily life after what happened. The world should be falling apart or something.” Fenris walked over to Garrett and took both of his hands.

“It should be, but it isn’t. Life goes on,” Fenris said, locking eyes with Garrett. “Before we go, you should call Bethany. Make sure she’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Garrett said, almost off-handedly. “I don’t know what I’d be doing if you weren’t here, Fenris. I don’t know if I’d even have gotten out of bed.” He looked so lost and sad.

“You would have, eventually. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow, but you would have. You’ve gone through other things that hurt, too,” Fenris said. “How long did it take to heal from those?”

“A long time,” Garrett admitted. “I feel like I’m not even making sense. I  _know_ how long it’ll take, but I can’t help but hope that it’ll be different.” Fenris squeezed Garrett’s hands.

“You make perfect sense, because grief and hurt don’t make sense,” he said softly. “This may even take longer to heal. She was the most important person in your life, regardless of others who may have come close.” Garrett leaned forward, resting his forehead on Fenris’ shoulder.

“I’m sorry I can’t talk about other things right now,” Garrett whispered.

“It’s all right. I’ll be here through all of these conversations, okay?” Fenris assured him. “You needn’t feel like you’re burdening me.”

“Thank you,” Garrett said, standing up straight. “I should call Bethany.” Fenris nodded his head and let go of Garrett’s hands.

“Is there anything I can do while you’re talking to her?” Fenris asked, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of sitting and half-listening to a phone conversation.

“Um… I don’t really know,” Garrett replied, a little puzzled. He scratched his head. Suddenly, he looked like an idea had hit him. “You know, I actually have this book I just finished that you might like. You can start it and if you like it, you can borrow it.”

“That sounds like a deal,” Fenris said, offering Garrett a smile.

“Let me go find it for you, and you can hang out on the couch and read it,” Garrett said. “I know it’s in the same room as the phone, but it’ll feel like moral support.”

“If it makes you feel better, that’s fine with me,” Fenris said with a shrug. At least he would have something to distract him from just listening to their conversation. Garrett was digging around his room for the book, and finally found it in a nightstand drawer.

“Here you go!” Garrett handed Fenris a fairly new-looking book. He looked at the cover.

“ _Bright Lights, Big City_ ,” he read. The title sounded familiar, but he couldn’t think why.

“I thought it was really interesting. I don’t know what you’ll think, but hopefully you’ll like it enough to read the whole thing,” Garrett said, leading Fenris out of his room. Fenris followed him to the living room and sat down on the couch, finding a comfortable position to read it.

“Take as long as you need. I’ll wait,” Fenris assured Garrett. Garrett gave him a grateful smile. He picked up the phone as Fenris opened the book and focused his attention on it, giving Garrett simultaneous support and privacy. Garrett dialed Bethany’s number, leaning heavily on the end of the couch, his back to Fenris. After a few moments, he sighed and put the phone down.

“She didn’t pick up. She probably went over to Corff’s,” Garrett said. Fenris hadn’t even started reading at that point, but he closed the book.

“You’ll be able to talk to her at some point. She may come to the bar tonight to be with him,” Fenris said, standing up. “We should go, if you’re ready.”

“Yeah. Would it be all right if I hung out at the bar tonight? I won’t distract you if it gets busy,” Garrett promised.

“Could I stop you even if I were to say no?” Fenris asked with amusement. Garrett chuckled.

“Probably not,” he confessed. “Were you going to say no?” Garrett feigned taking offense.

“No,” Fenris laughed. “You’re welcome to come. Just remember that my first priority is my job.”

“Of course. It’ll just be good to get out and not spend a lot of time alone for now.”

“I understand. It will help if Bethany is indeed there,” Fenris said. “You’re welcome to spend time at the bar with me whenever you like.” He looked away from Garrett and blushed. Garrett grinned.

“You’ll never get rid of me, then,” he threatened good-naturedly. Fenris took a step towards Garrett, trailing a hand down his chest and trying to give him a sultry look. He couldn’t keep from laughing as he spoke.

“Maybe that’s the point.”

Garrett snorted with laughter. Fenris paused, his hand still on Garrett’s chest. He looked over Garrett’s face, and was seized with the sudden urge to kiss him. He didn’t know for sure, but he thought he saw the same desire in Garrett’s eyes. Impulsively, he grabbed the back of Garrett’s head and pulled him forward into a brief kiss. As his lips left Garrett’s, he let go as if he had been burned. Garrett was shocked. Fenris looked down and covered his face.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me,” he mumbled through his hands. Garrett, still processing what had happened, put his hand on Fenris’ arm.

“Whatever it was, I liked it,” Garrett admitted, giving Fenris a goofy smile. “I wouldn’t mind it happening again.” Fenris uncovered his face to reveal an intense blush. “Can we do it again right now?” Fenris nodded, not sure he could speak without squeaking. He normally didn’t act on impulse that way, but something had come over him, probably a counterpart to the unexpected strengthening of his feelings.

Fenris felt Garrett’s hands on his waist, and he looked into the taller man’s face. Garrett gave him a comforting smile before he leaned forward, pressing their lips together, lingering much longer than Fenris had. Fenris put his arms around Garrett’s waist, enjoying the kiss. It felt weird, but it also felt as right as something possibly could. They pulled apart, and Fenris smiled shyly. He felt like a giddy schoolboy; his heart was fluttering in his chest.

“We could do that a lot more,” he breathed. “I think I get the appeal of it now.” Garrett just laughed and pulled Fenris into a hug.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apparently need to not write about car accidents... I witnessed almost the exact scenario I wrote about four hours after I wrote it (and was driving the car that almost got t-boned). I might be psychic.


	6. Hold the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard one to write. My computer crashed again a few weeks ago, and so I finally bought a new hard disk and restarted this chapter. I know that my Fenris deviates from the video game personality, but I imagine that this is how he would have turned out with the past I've given him. As another note, I've been listening to a whole lot of tick, tick... BOOM! while I write, which is another Jonathan Larson musical that matches part of the feel to this universe. Check that out, as well as Bright Lights, Big City (the musical), for a glimpse into my mindset whilst writing.

                “So much more original than the rest of us,” Bethany was saying, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Two months had passed since Leandra’s death, and Garrett, Carver, and Bethany had arranged a small memorial service. Bethany stood at the front of the small church in front of a small table with pictures of Leandra and a few of her most beloved possessions. Garrett and Carver had already delivered their eulogies, and Bethany was struggling to finish hers.

                “You’d find an old tablecloth on the street,” she continued, “and make a dress. And the next year, sure enough, they’d be mass producing them at the GAP.” She smiled sadly. “You always said how lucky you were that we were your children. But it was us, mom, who were the lucky ones.”

                Fenris was seated next to Garrett, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Garrett’s shoulders slump forward. He silently grasped one of Garrett’s hands, entwining their fingers. He felt Garrett relax a bit.

                “You were always there for me, even through the years when I would make trouble and blame my brothers. You knew it was me, but you never got too angry, even when I painted the cat green because Carver hated green,” Bethany laughed. The smile faded, and she bit her lip, looking at the ground. “I miss you, mom. I hope you’re in a good place with dad now.” She stepped off the altar, making her way back to her seat between Carver and Corff. Garrett sighed heavily and stood up, making his way to take Bethany’s place. Merrill moved to behind a small piano to the side of the altar as Garrett took his place.

                “When I was in college, I used to practice at home all the time. Mother was always supportive of me, even when I was trying to screech out the high notes of an aria fifty times in a row. She never seemed to truly like any of the pieces I did beyond an ‘oh that’s nice’ until I was preparing my junior recital. I was working on several French pieces, and she fell in love with one of them. Every time I would practice, she would stop what she was doing and listen with a content smile on her face,” Garrett recounted, a smile of his own on his face. “This song is—was her favorite.” The catch seemed to physically pain Garrett, because he winced. He took a deep breath and recovered. “ _Clair de Lune_ by Gabriel Faure.”

                Merrill began a piano introduction. It didn’t sound easy to Fenris’ untrained ears. He hadn’t realized that she was a trained pianist, but it didn’t surprise him. She had many hidden talents, as Fenris was discovering. While she was playing, Garrett looked completely focused, his eyes fixed on a point in the back of the church, above all their heads. After several bars of piano, Garrett began to sing.

                Fenris could see why Leandra had loved the song so much; the music flowed over Fenris’ skin and made him break out in goosebumps. Garrett’s voice suited the song so well, and his rich, dark voice was like liquid gold, filling the corners of the church with sound. Fenris felt chills washing over him as the song continued. He couldn’t understand the words, but he sensed calm and serenity. It didn’t seem happy, but it wasn’t sad, either.

                As the music drew to a close, Garrett looked around at the people present. His eyes darted from face to face, until they fixated on someone in the back of the church. Fenris had no idea who (he was sitting in the front row), but Garrett paled. He quickly looked away, and caught Fenris’ eye. Fenris raised an eyebrow, and Garrett shook his head slightly, a small movement that was hard to catch. The attendees clapped for Garrett’s performance, and he and Merrill made their way back to their seats. Garrett gripped Fenris’ hand tightly.

                “That’s it, everyone. Thank you for coming, and we’ll have some light refreshments outside. Leandra would have been happy to see everyone,” Bethany said, standing up and turning to face everyone. As people stood and began to file out, she sat down with a heavy sigh and turned to Carver.

                “What happened?” Fenris asked, his hand hurting from how tightly Garrett was gripping it.

                “I was looking at everyone here, and in the doorway at the back, I saw Anders,” Garrett whispered. “He left as soon as he saw me see him, but I haven’t seen him since…” He trailed off. Fenris put his hand on Garrett’s cheek.

                “Don’t worry about it,” Fenris said softly, leaning forward and kissing Garrett gently. He had become very fond of kissing, even to the point of quick kisses in public. He had surprised Garrett at work one night by kissing him over the bar at work, to cheers from Bethany and Corff (as well as some of the other bar regulars).

                “I don’t think we should kiss in a church,” Garrett laughed, releasing his vice grip on Fenris’ hand. His laugh was shaky. “I just didn’t expect to see him. I should have figured that he would hear about the service, though. Mother loved him and he liked her a lot.” He ran his hand through his hair. Fenris felt a surge of possessiveness.

                “I’ll kill him if he comes near you,” Fenris growled. Garrett raised his eyebrows.

                “That was unexpected,” he said, taken aback.

                “I can’t stand the idea of him walking back into your life as if he didn’t break your heart,” Fenris replied. Garrett smiled.

                “I wouldn’t let him do that,” he assured Fenris. “It makes me really happy that you care enough to feel that way.” Fenris snorted.

                “Only you would be happy about my threatening your ex-boyfriend,” he said, shaking his head. He let out a heavy sigh. “We should go outside and make sure everything is set up.”

                “What if he’s outside?” Garrett asked, suddenly panicked.

                “I doubt he’d be so dumb as to stay around people who would like to punch him,” Fenris offered. “I would guess he’s well aware of how it affected you. Most people aren’t so oblivious as to have no idea. At least he had enough shame to stay in the back.”

                “I guess you’re right,” Garrett said, slowly standing up. “I was just surprised to see him. It’s been three years, after all.”

                “I understand. I would feel the same if I saw my father,” Fenris said, standing and taking Garrett’s hand. “It’ll be fine. _You’ll_ be fine.”

                “Ah, you’re right and you know it,” Garrett groaned, belying his tone of voice with a smile. “Smug bastard.” Fenris chuckled.

                “I don’t think you should say that in a church,” he warned. Garrett looked down at their linked hands.

                “Some people might say we shouldn’t even be holding hands in a church, either,” he said, shrugging. “But since we haven’t been smote by lightning or burst into flames, we’re probably all right.”

                “You are sacrilegious,” Fenris said, rolling his eyes. Garrett grinned.

                “Maybe a bit,” he replied happily. Fenris looked upwards and mouthed an apology. Garrett furrowed his brow.

                “I didn’t realize you’re religious,” he said. Fenris blushed.

                “I’m not really religious, but I believe that something is there,” he muttered, a little embarrassed. “I never really fit into religion, but I was raised going to church every Sunday and that stuck. It was something to turn to when things were hard to get through.” He paused and furrowed his brow, giving Garrett a scrutinizing look. “Besides, you don’t have to be religious to feel guilty about swearing in a church!”

                “I suppose you’re right,” Garrett conceded, squeezing Fenris’ hand. “Sorry. I’m not religious at all, so sometimes I forget. It’s like swearing in front of small children. I slip up and do that all the time.” Fenris snorted.

                “Yes, like that time you cycled through swear words because you kept feeling bad for swearing?” Fenris recalled, playfully ribbing Garrett. “The child’s mother seemed more and more horrified. I don’t think your excuse that you spend most of your time playing in bars helped you at all.”

                “Ah, probably not,” Garrett said, his cheeks turning red. “That was particularly bad, but I’m not usually that awful.”

                “No, you’re not,” Fenris admitted, eliciting a smile from the taller man. “But don’t think that I will ever let you forget when you’re a horrible example for children.” Out of the corner of his eye, Fenris saw Isabela walking away with a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. She gestured for Fenris to join her and he nodded.

                “Oh, because you’re so much better,” Garrett scoffed. “You drink enough wine that I’m pretty sure your blood is 90% wine. And you’re about to go smoke with Isabela!” They stepped out onto the front lawn, and Fenris turned to face Garrett.

                “A couple of centuries ago, that’s all anyone would have been drinking,” he retorted. Garrett laughed.

                “We’re not a couple of centuries ago, are we?”

                Fenris let out a groan. “You are insufferable!”

                “No, I’m not,” Garrett chuckled, affectionately kissing Fenris’ forehead.

                “We’re at a _church,_ Garrett.” Fenris and Garrett looked around to see Carver scowling. Garrett frowned but let go of Fenris’ hand.

                “I don’t have my tongue down his throat, Carver,” he said, annoyed.

                “You don’t have to be making out for it to be inappropriate for a church,” Carver muttered, crossing his arms.

                “Have you ever seen a wedding in a church? Yeah, they kiss in a church. We’re not even inside!” Garrett exclaimed, exasperated. “Look, we’re not doing anything wrong. Please, Carver, don’t be a total dick right now.” Carver rolled his eyes, but turned and walked away.

                “I don’t get him anymore. I mean, I never really did, but he’s been weirder than usual lately,” Garrett said, still frowning. “He’s still a child sometimes.”

                “We’ve talked about it before,” Fenris reminded him. “And we can talk about it again later. I would say that we should enjoy ourselves, but that’s not what I mean.”

                “I know what you mean. There are other things to focus on right now,” Garrett said.

                “Exactly.”

                Garrett offered Fenris a grateful smile, and they turned to where people were mingling. Aveline and Donnic were in conversation with Varric while Merrill stood listening, and Bethany was talking to Gamlen, their uncle. Garrett, Bethany, and Carver hadn’t spoken to him in several years, but Garrett made a call to him to inform him of Leandra’s death, and they had formed a tentative sort of relationship. There were friends of Leandra’s present, and some of them were talking to Carver, offering Bethany a condoling hand on her shoulder, and glancing towards Garrett with sympathy. Fenris patted Garrett’s shoulder and turned to find Isabela.

                He found her around the corner of the church, a half-smoked cigarette between her fingers. She looked annoyed, her mouth pulled into a deep frown. She pulled the carton of cigarettes out of her back pocket and took a single one out, handing it to Fenris. He took it from her and reached into his front pocket for his lighter. He put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it, taking a long inhale. Isabela put her pack away and turned to face Fenris.

                “Did Garrett see him?” Isabela asked curtly. Fenris didn’t need to ask who she meant.

                “Yeah. It shook him up,” Fenris said quietly, taking another drag of his cigarette.

                “It’s obviously shaken you up, too. You rarely smoke with me,” Isabela said, trying to be lighthearted and failing. Fenris grunted.

                “I hate funerals,” he muttered. Isabela hummed her agreement.

                “I’m just mad that the piece of shit actually showed up. He had no fucking right,” she said. She started pacing back and forth, periodically puffing on her cigarette. “He left. He was the one who walked out without a second glance and broke Garrett’s heart. No, he didn’t break it, he destroyed it. He left Garrett with absolutely fucking nothing, and he has the balls to show up at Leandra’s funeral? What a fucking prick.” She took a long drag and blew the smoke out forcefully. “I hope he’s not going to try to become a part of Garrett’s life again.”

                “I would kill him before he ever did,” Fenris growled. “I wasn’t there when his heart was broken, but I can still see the effects Anders has had. He seems afraid I’ll walk away at any moment.”

                “He is, you know. He and I had drinks at his place while you were working one night and he admitted he was terrified that you were going to realize there’s someone better out there,” Isabela said bluntly. “He got pretty drunk and went on and on about how wonderful you are and how he doesn’t deserve you.” She smiled without warmth. “So if you even think about breaking his heart, I don’t care how much I love you, I will stab you with a poisoned knife.”

                “I honestly cannot make you any promises,” Fenris said with a resigned sigh. “I’ve never done this before, and it terrifies me. Sometimes I want to run away because I’m feeling things that I’ve never felt.” He looked down to the ground. He could feel Isabela staring at him.

                “Feelings are scary, Fenris. But running away from them is not going to help you, and it’s certainly not going to help him,” she said slowly. She continued very softly. “You mean a lot to him already. Talk about things with him if you get scared. Hell, talk to me. I’m not very good with the whole feelings thing, but I could probably make you laugh.” She elbowed him, a little harder than was necessary.

                “He means a lot to me, too,” Fenris admitted. “This makes me more anxious than it should.” Isabela smiled sympathetically. She put one arm around his waist.

                “I know what running from your feelings and your problems does. Trust me, it might make you feel better for a bit, but then the crippling guilt hits you and makes everything worse,” she informed him, her matter-of-fact tone belied by an undertone of bitterness. “Garrett was more forgiving than he should have been.”

                “He forgives very easily,” Fenris said.

                “Too easily,” Isabela agreed. “That’s why I don’t want Anders coming back into his life. He’ll find a way to excuse what Anders did, and Anders will string him along.” She paused and bit her lip. She leaned her head on Fenris’ shoulder. “I know you’re with him and that you care about each other, but Garrett loved Anders with everything he had.” Fenris opened his mouth to speak, but Isabela cut him off. “He says he doesn’t love him anymore, I know. But it’s hard to forget that kind of feeling for someone.”

                “You’re not helping to persuade me to not murder Anders,” Fenris muttered.

                “I’d tell you that you have my support, but I think Garrett wouldn’t be too happy about that. And,” she faltered for a second, “I’ve known him longer than Garrett has. I introduced them. I slept with him, too, but that was before I introduced him. I think he’s a fucking asshole but I can’t condone the murder of someone I used to be good friends with.”

                “Christ, Isabela, I’m not actually going to murder the guy.”

                “You could have fooled me.” She winked. “Ah, damn, I smoked this faster than I thought I would.” She tossed the butt to the ground and stepped on it to make sure it was out. She pulled another out and lit it. “I don’t usually smoke two in a row, but like I said, I fucking hate funerals.”

                “Imagine how Garrett and Bethany must feel,” Fenris said pointedly. Isabela sighed.

                “Yeah, I know. Just let me think about my own selfish feelings, okay?” she huffed. “You can say I’m smoking one for Garrett since he doesn’t smoke.”

                “Whatever,” Fenris said, taking a last drag of his cigarette. “I should get back to Garrett.”

                “Go on. I’m not sure how long I’ll stay,” Isabela said, waving him off. “Thanks for joining me. We can talk again later. I might stop in while you’re working.”

                “That’s fine. Just don’t distract me too much,” he replied.

                “Believe me, it would be impossible to distract you more than Garrett does,” she laughed. “You’re still doing your job just fine, but you are all eyes for him.” Fenris rolled his eyes, but knew she was right. He turned away from her and walked back towards the small reception.

                He surprised Garrett, who was sullenly picking at the food, by putting an arm around his waist.

                “Bethany is hoping this wraps up before too long. I need to stay and help her clean up, but you can go if you want,” Garrett sighed heavily, clearly ready to go home.

                “I’ll stay,” Fenris assured him.

                “Oh thank god,” Garrett breathed, his relief evident. “Are you coming over?”

                “I had planned to come over for a while,” Fenris said.

                “Okay. I just want to cuddle and make out for a bit, but we can do something else, too.” Fenris blushed bright red.

                “Um. Sure.” He still wasn’t used to Garrett’s straightforward attitude about intimacy, but he appreciated Garrett’s lack of pretense. It helped him to warm up to physical affection more than Fenris ever expected he would.

                “Sorry to be so blunt, but I’m too drained for sugar coating,” Garrett said, rubbing his face.

                “I actually appreciate it. I know you’re usually a little more tactful, but sometimes you’re just too tired to say anything other than exactly what you mean,” Fenris mused.

                “You don’t sugar coat even when you’re fully awake,” Garrett reminded him with a tired smile.

                “Yes, but you, though honest, tend to try to spare people’s feelings,” Fenris pointed out, removing his arm from around Garrett’s waist and taking his hand. “There are only a few people left, and we can leave soon.”

                “Yeah, just have to make it a little longer.”

\---

                “I didn’t tell you earlier, but your song was beautiful,” Fenris said, hanging his jacket up in the hall of Garrett’s apartment. “I didn’t realize that Merrill played so well.”

                “Oh, yeah, she was actually my accompanist in college,” Garrett replied as he slid off his dress shoes. “She struggled for the first couple of years, but midway through our junior year, she had a breakthrough and became really, really good. We always worked well together, though, and some of the other singers ended up pretty jealous that she played for me for pretty much anything.”

                “I’m sure some of the jealousy came from the fact that your voice is incredible,” Fenris said, following Garrett into the living room. Garrett’s ears reddened.

                “I wasn’t the best in the music department,” Garrett mumbled.

                “That doesn’t mean you’re not good.”

                “I guess you’re right.”

                Garrett laid down on the couch and pulled Fenris down on top of him. After a moment of adjusting, Garrett wrapped his arms around Fenris’ torso. Fenris laid his head on Garrett’s chest, feeling his heartbeat. Garrett’s heart was pounding and Fenris slowly traced lines on Garrett’s shoulder, trying to calm him. For a few moments, they just lay there, then Garrett took a deep breath.

                “Do you remember before we got the call about Mother, that I was going to tell you something?” Garrett asked very quietly. Fenris hummed, trying to remember.

                “Vaguely, yes,” he finally replied. He was beginning to understand why Garrett’s heart was pounding so hard, if he was trying to work up the courage to say something difficult. He couldn’t imagine what it was that Garrett would need to tell him, but Fenris couldn’t help his mind from immediately jumping to a criminal record or something equally as shocking.

                “This might take me a little while to say, and I’m sorry,” Garrett whispered, his voice shaking. “When I was dating Anders, we had a lot of sex. We knew that we had both had a lot of sex with other people beforehand, but we weren’t worried about being safe.” His voice broke, and Fenris suddenly sensed what Garrett was going to tell him. His heart dropped. “Anders… slept with somebody who had HIV while we were dating, and he gave it to me. I didn’t find out until after he left.” Garrett squeezed his eyes shut, forcing out tears. Fenris sat up, prompting Garrett to sit up so that Garrett held him on his lap.

                “I’m going to die in ten years or less unless they find a cure,” Garrett whispered, pressing his face into Fenris’ chest. Fenris had no idea how to respond, but he stroked Garrett’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He wanted to care for Garrett, but the revelation scared him. He was used to peripheral people in his life having been diagnosed, but never someone so important to him. Garrett sighed heavily.

                “Thank you for telling me,” Fenris said softly.

                “I wanted to tell you earlier, but how do you say something like that?” Garrett asked.

                “Exactly how you did,” Fenris replied. “It can’t have been easy to say.”

                “No. It’s scarier to say it to myself, honestly.” Garrett pulled away to look Fenris in the eye. “You’re not going to leave me, are you? I would understand if you were to, but it would still hurt.” Fenris sighed.

                “I’m not planning to, but I will admit that I’m at a loss as to what to do,” he admitted. “I obviously have very strong feelings for you, so the idea that I’ll eventually lose you is hard.”

                “Don’t treat me any differently,” Garrett said. “And know that I’m not made of glass. It hasn’t progressed very far yet, so I have a few years yet. Instead of thinking about when I’m going to die, we should think about how to spend the time that I do have left. It’s like saying that you’ll die in fifty years, and being too afraid to live your life for fear of dying. We’re all gonna die, just… some of us sooner.” He smiled a sad smile.

                “You’re remarkably optimistic, even by regular standards,” Fenris observed, leaning forward and kissing Garrett, long and deep. Fenris parted his lips and ran his tongue over Garrett’s lips. Garrett opened his mouth, pulling Fenris in closer and tighter. Fenris had no idea how long they made out, but it communicated a lot of feelings that they struggled to verbalize. Finally, they pulled apart, and Fenris leaned his forehead on Garrett’s.

                “There’s some irony in the conversation about me being HIV positive leading to us making out,” Garrett said, laughing without much humor.

                “I suppose there is,” Fenris remarked. “But you’re an artist. Irony is the spice of your life.” Garrett snorted.

                “Look, now that you know about everything, I wanted to ask you if you would come to my support group with me once in a while?” Garrett asked hopefully.

                “Are you allowed to have other people there?” Fenris asked. He knew of these support groups, but he’d never had any reason to know any more about them.

                “Yeah, I mean, as long as you’re respectful to everyone and what they’re going through,” Garrett replied. “Everybody deals with the disease differently. Some people, like me, have dealt with it pretty well because we haven’t had a lot of physical symptoms yet. Other people, though, have had a really hard time. It’s different for everyone.”

                “Makes sense. Just like the common cold is different for everyone,” Fenris mused, wrapping his arms around Garrett’s shoulders.

                “I don’t know why I was so scared to tell you about this,” Garrett said, leaning his head in the crook of Fenris’ neck and lightly kissing along the line of Fenris’ tattoo.

                “It’s a heavy thing to say, and there was a very real possibility that I could have reacted badly,” Fenris said softly, tilting his head and enjoying Garrett’s lips on his skin. “I’ll admit that it hasn’t completely sunk in yet, but I don’t think you have to worry about me going anywhere.” Even as the words left his lips, he could feel a part of him that disagreed with the statement, but Fenris quelled it. He had let his feelings for Garrett get too strong to be able to let him go—or to be able to hurt him by leaving. But there was still a part of him that screamed to get out while he could.

                “Thank you,” Garrett whispered. Fenris hummed his response, afraid to give too much away if he opened his mouth to speak.

                “Who else knows?” Fenris asked.

                “Bethany, Carver, Aveline, and Varric,” Garrett replied. “I haven’t told many people because I don’t want them treating me differently. It’s not like I’m going to fall to pieces at any given moment!” He paused. “Well, there may come a time when I’m like that, but I’m not right now. I don’t want to be defined by my illness. Just like you don’t want to be defined by your tattoo and ear condition.”

                “Yet, people will,” Fenris mused. Garrett verbalized his assent into Fenris’ neck, and Fenris shivered.

                “Exactly. I am more than this,” he murmured. “Look, I know you don’t want to think about having sex, but we should talk now about how to continue if you ever do want it.” He sat up straight. Fenris slid off Garrett’s lap and sat facing him on the couch.

                “I suppose we should. I make no promises that I’ll ever want sex, but you’ve gotten me to do things I never imagined I would like,” Fenris laughed. “I never thought I would be so eager to have your tongue in my mouth.” Garrett grinned.

                “I’m glad you like making out with me. I like making out with you,” he said, the grin growing. Fenris rolled his eyes. “Anyways, we may never have to make use of this conversation, but it’s one we should have regardless. I know I look like I’m powerful and like being in control, but I prefer… well, being fucked.” Garrett blushed. “I like being controlled. I, um, really like having my hands tied. That’s not something I’d ask you to do until we’d have had sex a couple times, though, don’t worry. Communication is really important to me, too. I like talking dirty but it’s important to stop when something makes one of us feel uncomfortable.

                “I also like being able to laugh during sex. I mean, if you’re so tense and scared that you can’t laugh at yourself when something makes a funny sound or you elbow the other person in the face, you’re probably not totally enjoying yourself. Sex shouldn’t be a performance. It should be enjoyable and light-hearted,” he said. Fenris nodded, agreeing despite the fact that he didn’t really know much about consentual sex. But everything Garrett was saying was the opposite of how he had felt being molested by his father, and so he found himself agreeing.

                “Won’t there be a risk of you transmitting HIV to me, though?” Fenris asked, frowning.

                “Yes, there will be. However, if you always wear a condom, there is less of a risk,” Garrett explained. “Plus, it’s a lot more likely to be transmitted through ejaculate than through anything else. So, basically, there’s a small risk whenever you fuck me. We can’t really switch roles, and I won’t be coming in your mouth any time, but other than that, the risk is small.” Fenris snorted. “About a year after I was diagnosed, I asked the doctor about the safest way to have sex. There’s no 100% safe way, but there are ways to be safer.”

                “Makes sense,” Fenris said.

                “Yeah. I just wish I had been safe from the beginning with Anders. I don’t think he knows he gave it to me,” Garrett admitted. “I’m not sure he even knows he has it.” He frowned. “I don’t want to think about him now, though. I want to think about you.” Fenris tried to hide his smile.

                “Well, when we have sex, we’ll be careful,” Fenris replied. Garrett gave him a quizzical look.

                “You said ‘when,’ not ‘if,’” he pointed out slowly, as if he were afraid of saying the wrong thing. Fenris’ ears turned bright red.

                “I, um…” he stuttered. “I don’t actively think about having sex with you but, um, maybe would like it at some point. Not today though,” he added quickly.

                “Of course not,” Garrett assured him. His cheeks reddened. “I would like to, um…” He trailed off and ran a hand through his hair. “How do I say this without freaking you out?” Fenris raised his eyebrows.

                “I promise not to run away screaming,” Fenris laughed, his mouth twisting into a wry smile.

                “Okay, well, at some point, I would like to give you a blowjob,” Garrett said sheepishly. Fenris looked at him in disbelief. “I like giving them and they feel amazing. I mean, whenever you feel ready. We’ve only been dating for two months, so I’m not in any rush.” Fenris felt a rush of affection and something else he couldn’t identify, and pulled Garrett forward, kissing him solidly. He pulled away and released Garrett. At that moment, he placed the feeling as fear.

                “I’m not used to having my welfare and, well, pleasure, put first,” Fenris admitted. Garrett offered him a reassuring smile.

                “You deserve to be put first. If nothing else, I hope I can show you that,” he said softly. Fenris wrapped his arms around Garrett and buried his face in his chest. He couldn’t bear to let Garrett see the doubt and trepidation on his face. He wanted to make things work with Garrett, but he was scared, especially after the conversation he’d had with Isabela. He felt overwhelmed and a little dizzy when he thought about the care he felt when he was with Garrett. It was almost too much to handle. He felt Garrett’s hand gently combing through his hair, and he felt something inside of him give way.

                He had never had anyone care for him this way and he didn’t know if he could give Garrett the same kind of comfort. It felt like a stupid argument going on inside of him, but it was roiling and making his stomach churn. He gripped the back of Garrett’s shirt tightly, clinging to him as if he were a lifeline. He felt that if he never let go, he wouldn’t have to face the reality of his feelings.

                “Are you all right?” Garrett asked softly, rubbing Fenris’ back.

                “No,” Fenris choked out, his voice muffled.

                “What’s wrong?” Garrett asked, extremely concerned by the sudden change in Fenris’ attitude. Fenris sat up.

                “I need to go,” he said, pushing Garrett away. “I’m sorry, I just need some air and time to think.” He stood up quickly.

                “What…?” Garrett looked hurt and confused.

                “It’s not… I’m not… Fuck, I’m not leaving because of what you told me. Garrett, I’ve never dated anyone before, and these feelings are more than I can handle,” he said, frantically running his hand through his hair. “I’ve never had someone care about me the way you do in this short time. I care about you, too, but I don’t know if I can give you want you want and need.”

                “Fenris, please,” Garrett pleaded, rising and taking Fenris’ hands. “I know this is new for you, but I want to work through this. We can talk this out. Please don’t walk out on me. You said you wouldn’t.” Fenris pulled his hands out of Garrett’s and gave him a sad look.

                “I need a few days. I’m scared, Garrett. Please just give me some space,” Fenris nearly begged. “Let me sort myself out and then we can talk. I want to make it work, but I’m falling too fast.”

                Garrett sank down onto the couch, holding his head in his hands. “Can I say anything that will make you stay?” he asked, utterly dejected. Fenris squeezed his eyes shut, berating himself for causing the pain in Garrett’s voice. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and kissing the top of Garrett’s head.

                “Not right now,” Fenris whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He grabbed his jacket, Garrett’s old one that he had given him, grabbed his boots, and left Garrett’s apartment. He paused in the hallway to put his boots on, and began the walk back to his own apartment.

               

               

 

               


	7. With or Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the productivity spring break allows... This chapter earns the work its rating, and while the rest of the work will continue to have sporadic explicit material, it won't be the main focus (for the most part).  
> EDIT: I'd also like to thank minerthreat for catching a fairly large issue in this chapter that has since been fixed.

                As soon as Fenris left Garrett’s apartment, he knew he had made a mistake. He pulled the jacket tighter around his torso. He shouldn’t have walked away. The hurt on Garrett’s face was branded into Fenris’ memory, and he was angry that he had been the cause of it. He didn’t think Garrett understood that Fenris wasn’t trying to leave forever, but he couldn’t go back now. But, God, how he wanted to. He couldn’t face Garrett, not yet. He had run out in fear, and there was too much shame in admitting he was stupid.

                He knew he needed to call Isabela. She would probably punch him in the face, but he was willing to take that risk. She would be more understanding than anyone else as to needing space for a bit. He had to admit that he was absolutely terrified of some of the other reactions, particularly Bethany. He let out a heavy sigh. He had royally fucked up, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own.

                He hardly noticed the long walk back to his apartment, and was somewhat surprised when he found himself outside his door. He unlocked his door with more force than was necessary and walked inside, slamming it behind him. Making his way to the phone, he removed his boots but kept the jacket on like a lifeline. He dialed Isabela’s number and fervently hoped she was home.

                “Hello?” After a few rings, she answered, and Fenris simultaneously wanted to sigh with relief and hang up out of fear.

                “Isabela?” he nearly croaked.

                “Fenris?” she asked, sounding confused. “You never call, what’s the matter?” Fenris took a deep breath.

                “I… did what you told me not to,” he admitted sheepishly. He heard the sound of something being slammed down, likely a glass (or bottle) if he knew Isabela.

                “Do not tell me you walked out on Garrett,” she growled. “Fenris, you did not. Not after the talk we had today.”

                “I did,” he replied softly. He could sense she was about to yell, and he quickly jumped in before she could. “Before you scream at me, because I know you will, listen to me.”

                “This better be good.”

                “He and I were talking about…” he caught himself, remembering that Garrett hadn’t told Isabela about being HIV positive, “the future, and I got scared. I panicked. I told him that I needed a few days to figure out what I’m feeling and how to handle it, but I think he took it as me breaking up with him.”

                “Oh my god,” Isabela said. “Oh my god, you are a fucking idiot. In what world is ‘I need space’ _not_ a breakup?”

                “I’ve never done this before!” Fenris exclaimed. “It sounded better in my head!”

                “Jesus fucking Christ, Fenris, I’m going to hit you,” Isabela muttered. “Okay. I’m going to take a few deep breaths and you’re going to tell me everything.”

                “All right,” Fenris said. He waited a few moments until she made a noise that signaled she was calm enough to listen. “I’m not used to being attracted to people, emotionally, or… physically—“

                “You mean sexually,” Isabela interrupted. Fenris frowned.

                “Would you just listen?” Fenris asked, indignant.

                “Yeah, sorry,” she muttered.

                “I’m not used to wanting to be with people. And I’m not used to people wanting to be with me. My father wasn’t exactly a paragon of fatherly love, or even proper sex. He always made it clear that I was just a body to be used. It hasn’t exactly made me keen on relationships, you understand,” Fenris said with a heavy sigh. “Garrett has made it so clear how much he cares about me, and I can’t pretend I don’t care deeply about him, but I’m afraid of losing that. It feels so amazing to have him care about me like that, but it’s also hard to think about what will happen when I lose that.”

                “You mean, _if_ you lose it,” Isabela corrected.

                “Er, yeah,” Fenris lied. He continued as if she hadn’t interrupted. “I’m also afraid that he’ll rethink his feelings, that his feelings aren’t what he thinks they are. What if _mine_ aren’t enough for him? I got overwhelmed and scared, and I walked out. I wish I hadn’t. He was so hurt, and it was my fault. I let my selfishness and fear hurt someone else.” His voice had dropped to a whisper.

                “Yeah, you did,” Isabela said bluntly. “You’re human, Fenris. Everybody screws up and hurts somebody else. Sometimes you feel bad about it, sometimes you don’t. You’re not awful because you made a mistake. You’d be awful if you didn’t try to rectify it at some point.”

                “I want to fix it. I knew as soon as I left his apartment, I should have stayed and talked things out with him, instead of running away,” Fenris admitted. “I feel weak for letting my insecurities get in the way.”

                “You’re not weak, Fenris,” Isabela said. Fenris could hear her rolling her eyes. “You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I hate it when you get self-deprecating.” She was the only person he let himself voice his insecurities to, and while she was understanding, she tended to verbally smack him upside the head and tell him that he didn’t need to worry.

                “I haven’t been this insecure since middle and high school, Isabela. I don’t like this, but I like Garrett,” Fenris said, leaning heavily against the arm of the sofa.

                “That’s the thing about relationships, though: you have to make sacrifices and work through the things that scare you. But the other person does the same, and you both come out stronger,” Isabela said softly. “That took me a long time to learn, you know. But Merrill convinced me that it was worth it in the end, and it was the best decision I ever made. It’s a conscious decision, though, Fenris.” She paused and sighed. “I did the same thing to Merrill. It hurt her so badly, but when I worked through my own shit, it made us both see that we had decided to make it work. We weren’t going to let those doubts color everything. She was a little suspicious that I was going to leave again, but we always talked it out after that.”

                “How do I get him to take me back?” Fenris asked.

                “Well, you should talk to him, explain that it was nothing he did, and ask him to give you another chance. You can’t expect him to take you back, even though I’m sure that Garrett will. He looks at you like you put the stars in the sky,” she said. “And then, of course, if it were me, I would give him the best orgasm of his whole life.” Fenris snorted. “You have given him one before, right?”

                “Um, no, actually,” Fenris replied. Isabela gasped.

                “You haven’t? Has he given _you_ one?”

                “No, Bela. We haven’t gone past making out,” he said. He quickly added, “At my request. I don’t exactly have the best memories of sex.”

                “Oh my god!” she exclaimed. Fenris held the receiver away from his ear, wincing. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I would have figured you would have been all over each other!”

                “Can I actually ask you a serious question?” Fenris asked.

                “Does it have to do with sex?” she purred.

                “Yeah, it does,” he admitted.

                “Then I will try to answer without being too much of a facetious ass,” she assured him. “I know it’s not something you’re as comfortable with as I am.”

                “How can you tell if you’re sexually attracted to someone?” Fenris asked, a little sheepish.

                “Are you trying to figure out if you actually want to have sex with Garrett or if you feel like you _should_ have sex with him?” she asked.

                “Yeah.”

                “I think it’s different for men and women, but if I think about having sex with them without cringing, I guess that’s how I judge it,” she said thoughtfully. “I’ve had sex with people who I wasn’t particularly attracted to, though. The other way I judge it is I ask myself if I want to have sex with them to make myself feel good or if I want to make them feel good. Generally, if I want to make them feel good, then I know there’s strong sexual attraction. If I just want to make myself feel good, I’m horny and they’re attractive.” She laughed. “With Merrill, it’s usually been about making both of us feel good. Sometimes sex is just being horny and needing to fuck, but sometimes it’s really passionate and about affirming our relationship.

                “It just differs from situation to situation, and from person to person. There’s nothing wrong with not being sexually attracted to someone you emotionally are attracted to, and there’s nothing wrong with being sexually attracted to people you aren’t emotionally attracted to. But, we’re talking about you and Garrett. If you answer some questions I can probably help you figure out if you actually want to have sex with him or if you’re just feeling pressured,” she said. Fenris could hear her smile.

                “Fire away, I guess,” he said.

                “First off, do you like kissing him?”

                “Well, yes, of course.”

                “Okay. When you kiss him, how do you feel? Like, do you want to grab his butt, or bite his neck? Do you want to do more than kiss him even if it’s not something super sexual?”

                Fenris thought for a moment. “Yeah, I do. I want something more when we make out but I’m not sure what.”

                “Gotcha. Now, have you ever gotten a boner when you make out with him or think about him?” She sounded positively wicked.

                “Not really,” he admitted. “But I do try to avoid thinking about sex, generally.”

                “Hm. Well, I’m going to try something that might make you uncomfortable, if you’re game. If I make you too uncomfortable, tell me to stop and I will, okay?”

                “Now I’m afraid.”

                “It’s just words, Fenris. Anyways, close your eyes and imagine Garrett.” Fenris was a little wary, but he trusted Isabela. He closed his eyes. “Now imagine that Garrett is slowly taking off his shirt, then his pants. Basically imagine him getting naked and on his knees for you.” Fenris felt his cheeks get red and his heartrate sped up. The image that Isabela was planting in his brain made him bite his lip as he imagined Garrett and his big doe eyes on his hands and knees, begging Fenris to let him make him feel good.

                “Shit,” Fenris said without realizing. Isabela giggled.

                “How did that make you feel? I didn’t even get graphic!”

                “I, um…”

                “You got hard, didn’t you?” Fenris wanted to curse her slyness.

                “Yes,” he admitted.

                “That wasn’t even from me, that was your own imagination,” she said. “I think you’re sexually attracted to him, darling.”

                “I suppose I am. This is awkward for me to ask, but do you have any ideas on how to make him…?” he trailed off. Isabela chuckled.

                “Nope. That’s something you should explore with him in terms of what you both like,” she replied. “You’ll learn a lot about being open and communicating. Sex should be fun, not scary. And even if it is scary the first time, if you and Garrett talk about what it was that made either of you scared, you’ll have a stronger relationship. I mean, he’s not exactly a blushing virgin or anything, but he’s tentative. I heard a whole lot of stories of him being persuaded to try something new.”

                “Thanks, Isabela,” Fenris said, genuinely grateful for her help, even if it was unconventional. Then again, when was anything to do with him or the group of people he called friends conventional?

                “I’m still mad at you for walking out on Garrett, don’t get me wrong, but I’m glad that you understand what you’re feeling and can fix things,” she said. “Merrill’s home now, and I need to go. I’m glad you told me what happened, and I’ll be happy to help in the future. I might still punch you in the face next time I see you, but I’ll hit less hard.” Fenris laughed.

                “Thanks. Feel free, just don’t break my nose, all right?”

                “Bye, Fenris. I’ll see you later.”

                “Bye.” Fenris hung up the phone, collapsing onto the sofa. He lay on his back, thinking about what he had realized during his conversation. He had sort of been thinking about what it might be like to have sex with Garrett, but now it was something he knew he did want, though he was still nervous. He would have to take it slowly, just as he had been everything else.

                His mind wandered back to the image of Garrett on his knees, and Fenris groaned, his arousal stronger now that Isabela’s voice didn’t accompany his imagination. He hadn’t ever masturbated to the thought of a specific person before; it was always a means of relieving a physical need. He only ever rarely did it, and not since he and Garrett had started dating.

                His hand trailed down between his legs, and he palmed himself through his jeans. He bit his lip and groaned. Fenris forced himself to sit up, taking off his jacket and shirt and walking to his bedroom. He pulled his jeans and underwear off and he grabbed his cock, laying down on his bed. He slowly stroked himself, imagining Garrett’s mouth on him. He would definitely need to take Garrett up on his offer for a blowjob, Fenris thought. He swirled his thumb around the head of his cock, imagining Garrett’s tongue. He had given enough blowjobs to his father that he knew how to give one, but he had never been on the receiving end of one.

                This felt better than it ever had before, and Fenris didn’t know if it was because he was much more aroused than he had ever been while masturbating, or if it was because he was less afraid of it. He thrust up into his hand and moaned, his strokes harder and faster.

                “Oh God,” he murmured, precum coating the inside of his hand. As he got closer to coming, he imagined Garrett begging for him to come in his mouth and on his face, and it pushed him over the edge. He came in spurts over his hand and abdomen, moaning Garrett’s name. His whole body relaxed, and he lay there, still breathing heavily. God how he wanted to make Garrett feel that good. Cautiously, he brought his hand to his mouth and tentatively licked his own cum. He wrinkled his nose at the taste. It was bitter and strange, but not entirely unpleasant.

                He sat up, looking for something to clean himself up. Seeing nothing besides clothes, he elected that a shower would be better than just a tissue anyways. As he turned on the water, he couldn’t help but laugh at himself. It felt like his sexual attraction to Garrett had been realized too quickly, but then, his emotional attraction to him had come on just as fast. Even though he was cautious about getting attached, it seemed his brain had other ideas about it. He shook his head to clear his doubts and stepped into the shower.

\---

                When Fenris arrived at work the next day, Bethany was already there with Corff. She spotted Fenris, and narrowed her eyes. Fenris gave her what he hoped was an apologetic look.

                “Come here,” she said, her eyes and voice steely. Fenris had an inkling of what was going to happen, but he approached her anyways. He braced himself, and he was glad he did so, because he was nearly knocked off his feet by how hard she slapped him. He was reeling, and had to steady himself on the bar. It took him a moment to see straight.

                “Bethany!” Corff exclaimed, shocked. He had apparently not been told what happened, Fenris thought wryly.

                “You utter _ass!_ ” Bethany yelled. Fenris winced. “You get one chance to explain yourself or I will slap you again. I’m so angry at you.”

                Fenris repeated much of what he had told Isabela, this time admitting that the fact that Garrett was HIV positive made his feelings even more terrifying, because he would eventually lose Garrett. He also conveyed that he had every intention of groveling at Garrett’s feet until he was forgiven. Bethany’s expression softened, but only marginally.

                “I understand, Fenris, but that doesn’t change that you hurt my big brother,” she replied.

                “I know. I hate myself for being the cause of it,” Fenris said.

                “No, you don’t get to play the victim here,” she said. Fenris was stung, but he recognized the truth in her words. “He’s afraid you’re never going to come back. That happened once to him already, and he thinks you’re going to be the second person to abandon him.”

                “I’m not ever going to again. I was an idiot.”

                “Yes, you were,” Bethany agreed shortly. “I’m not sorry I slapped you so hard, but that looks like it’s going to bruise.” Fenris shrugged.

                “I’ve had worse. My father used to hit a lot harder than you do,” he said, playing nonchalance but a little shaken up.

                “Shit, sorry. I forgot about…” she trailed off, embarrassed.

                “I deserved your slap. I think Isabela’s going to punch me, too. I talked to her last night,” Fenris said.

                “I won’t hit you again, but you have to fix things. He’s going to come by tonight. I tried to convince him not to, but he said that he couldn’t bear to not see you, even if it hurt to see you.” Fenris covered his face with his hands.

                “I need to tell him how sorry I am. It’s just stuck in my mind how badly I screwed up.”

                “Humans make mistakes, but it’s how you handle them that define you,” Bethany said.

                “Isabela said something really similar last night,” Fenris remarked.

                “It’s true. I’d say that I came up with it, but I heard it from her at some point,” Bethany admitted. “For all her tough bravado, she has a heart of gold. She’ll still put you in your place and whoop your ass if you piss her off, but she’s a sweetheart.”

                “I would still be trying to figure out my feelings if it weren’t for her.”

                “I’ll buy her a drink or four on Garrett’s behalf,” Bethany said with a smile. “I’m still annoyed with you, but I trust you’ll work things out.”

                “I will,” Fenris assured her. He winced as he touched the cheek she had slapped. “I need to go look in the mirror and look at this. You hit harder than I expected.”

                “I won’t take that as an insult to how I look,” Bethany said.

                “It’s not. It’s a compliment to your slap.” He walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. His cheek was already an angry red, and he could see some purple starting to form. He had to admit that he was impressed, even though he wished he hadn’t been the one to feel it. He would need to ice it at home, by which point it would likely be all sorts of fun colors. It was tender, but he had had worse. Fenris knew he would forget about it and bump it from time to time; he wasn’t too worried.

                He returned to the bar to finish setting up. Corff was apparently giving Bethany bartending lessons; he was showing her how to make her own gin and tonic. Fenris smiled.

                “You’re not trying to replace me, are you?” Fenris asked playfully.

                “Definitely,” Corff shot back.

\---

                It was close to eleven when Garrett came into the bar. Fenris spotted him immediately, and felt his heart sink at the morose look on his face. Garrett took a seat at a table, rather than at the bar. Fenris tried not to look at him, but every time he glanced up, Garrett was looking at him. Fenris filled a glass with ice water and approached Corff.

                “Can you take this to Garrett?” Fenris asked quietly. Corff gave him a quizzical look, but agreed. Fenris watched his boss set the glass down, and apparently tell Garrett that it was from Fenris (he gestured towards Fenris, who silently cursed). Fenris turned away. He suddenly felt nervous about apologizing.

                “Any reason you couldn’t take that to him yourself?” Corff asked, making Fenris jump.

                “Bethany didn’t tell you?” Fenris replied. Corff shook his head.

                “I… walked out on Garrett last night. I panicked. It was dumb, and now I want to apologize,” Fenris explained. “I need to build my courage to talk to him, though.”

                “Well, when you find your courage, let me know, and I’ll make sure everything is covered,” Corff said. Fenris offered him a grateful smile.

                Fenris glanced over at Garrett, and he was still watching him. He held eye contact for a moment, but turned his head away, walking to take a drink order from someone at the bar.

                After nearly half an hour of furtive glances, Fenris had enough. He needed to say something, and he needed to do it now. He got Corff’s attention, and Corff nodded. Fenris walked up to Garrett, grabbed his wrist, and led him to the storage closet where they’d had their first real conversation. They had since found a new place to store their soundboard thanks to Varric, and so there was room enough for both of them. Fenris shut the door and turned the light on. Garrett looked at him with the saddest eyes Fenris had seen from him, and Fenris ran his hand through his hair.

                “I’m sorry, Garrett,” Fenris said, making eye contact with Garrett. “Last night, I was stupid. I was selfish. But most of all, I was scared. I was scared of my own feelings, and I was scared of yours. It made me walk out when I should have stayed and talked things through. I hurt you, which is worse than everything else. As soon as I left, I knew I made the wrong decision. I want to be with you more than I’ve wanted anything before.” He paused and stepped closer. “If you would have me, I would never leave you again. Can you forgive me?”

                “I was really hurt last night, Fenris. I didn’t know if you would ever come back,” Garrett whispered, looking at his feet. “I blamed myself. It felt like Anders all over again.” Fenris winced.

                “I wasn’t intending to never come back. I didn’t communicate that very well,” Fenris admitted. “I needed some time to think about things, and then I intended that we would talk and figure out where to go from there. I didn’t even think that you would take it as a break-up until I called Isabela last night. Once she made me realize it, I knew that I had hurt you, and I knew that I had to fix things. I wish I had been able to figure out that I do want to be with you without hurting you.” Fenris searched Garrett’s face for anything that would tell him what he was thinking.

                “I…” Garrett was searching for the right words. He looked into Fenris’ eyes, his own watering. “Please don’t ever leave me again.” Fenris pulled Garrett into an embrace.

                “I promise you,” he whispered. Garrett wrapped his arms around Fenris. After a moment, Fenris pulled away. Garrett had tears down his cheeks, and Fenris stood on his toes to kiss the tear tracks. Fenris kissed a line from Garrett’s cheeks to his mouth. He pressed his lips to Garrett’s fervently, trying to communicate the things he didn’t know how to say. Garrett pulled back, keeping his arms around Fenris.

                “I can’t tell you how relieved I am,” Garrett said, a relieved smile on his face. “I’ll admit I’m still a little afraid it will happen again, and that you’ll be gone by tomorrow, but I’m happy to have you back.” Fenris was a little stung, but he understood Garrett’s fear.

                “Then I will have to prove to you that I mean to stay for as long as you’ll have me,” Fenris promised. “I will be with you through the hardest times, and the best times, even when…” He faltered for a second. “Even when your disease gets bad, I will be there. When it scares me, I will face my fear and stay with you. When you need me most, I will be there. I’ll be there, and I’ll cover you,” he whispered. Garrett pulled Fenris into a deep, open-mouthed kiss.

                Fenris allowed Garrett to take control of the kiss, pressing their bodies together. Fenris moved his hands down to Garrett’s ass, eliciting a surprised gasp from Garrett. The taller man ground his hips into Fenris. With a growl, Fenris pushed Garrett against a set of shelves, knocking over several bottles of cleaning solution. He knew in the back of his mind that he would have to fix it later, but he didn’t care enough to worry. All that mattered right now was Garrett.

                Fenris kept one hand on Garrett’s ass, the other tangling in his hair and pulling his head back, allowing Fenris to bite Garrett’s neck. Garrett groaned, pressing his hips into Fenris’. Fenris licked and sucked the same area on Garrett’s throat, determined to leave a love bite. Finally, Fenris pulled back and grinned at Garrett.

                “I wasn’t expecting that,” Garrett said breathlessly, unable to keep a smile off his face. Fenris smirked, lightly smacking Garrett’s butt. He picked up the bottles knocked down.

                “I had quite a few… revelations last night,” Fenris said. Garrett raised his eyebrows.

                “Such as?”

                “Why don’t you come home with me when I’m done with work and we can talk about it?” Fenris suggested.

                “Only if you promise to do more of whatever we just did,” Garrett said. Fenris snorted.

                “I can make that promise,” he agreed. “It’ll also be easier when we’re not in a cleaning supply cabinet.” Garrett laughed.

                “Then I’m all yours, hot stuff,” Garrett purred.

                “’Hot stuff?’” Fenris asked, giggling. Garrett blushed.

                “Do you have any better ideas?”

                “Now that you ask, no, I don’t.”

                “That’s what I thought. Hey, at least I didn’t call you stud muffin, or…” Garrett thought for a moment. “Or something awful like snookums!” Fenris stared at Garrett in disbelief.

                “If you call me either of those, I’m going to come up with the worst pet name possible,” Fenris threatened. Garrett grinned wickedly.

                “I’m going to call you snookums in front of everyone,” Garrett said.

                “Then I’m calling you Gare-bear,” Fenris said, crossing his arms. Garrett’s expression softened.

                “That’s not terrible, that’s really sweet, actually,” he said. Fenris swore.

                “I was trying to come up with something terrible!” Fenris huffed.

                “It’s a little sickeningly sweet, but I’m a sucker for that,” Garrett admitted. He sighed. “Fine, I won’t call you snookums.”

                “Thank God,” Fenris muttered. His ears colored red. “When we’re alone, though, I wouldn’t mind if you called me by my given name.”

                “Really? I remember how upset you were that you had told me,” Garrett said, surprised.

                “The only people who called me Leto were my father and sister. I want to claim it back and make it mean something other than what it has,” Fenris said seriously. “I want to make it mean happiness, not hurt.”

                “I would be honored to be the one to do that,” Garrett murmured. Fenris smiled.

                “Come, I should get back to work. If you want to go back to my apartment now, I’ll give you my key, and you can get some rest. Or, you can stay here, but I’m not done until three,” Fenris said. “I figured you would rather rest. I feel emotionally drained, as I’m sure you must. This whole ordeal was harder on you than I think it was on me. Well, except for the fact that your sister has quite the slap.” Garrett nodded and smiled gratefully.

“Is that what happened to your cheek?” Garrett asked.

“Is it that obvious?” Fenris asked, gingerly rubbing his face.

“It looks pretty bad,” Garrett admitted. Fenris sighed and led him out of the supply closet and into the central bar area. He removed his apartment key from his key ring.

                “If I’m asleep, you can wake me up when you get home,” Garrett said. Fenris smiled and gently kissed Garrett.

                “I’ll see you in a while.” Garrett smiled and left the bar, leaving Fenris to return to work. Both Corff and Bethany were giving him inquisitive looks.

                “I take it your apology was accepted?” Corff asked.

                “As if he wouldn’t,” Bethany added.

                “No, I have tender moments like that with people who hate me,” Fenris replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Both Bethany and Corff grinned.

                “Glad you’re feeling better. You have no sense of humor when you’re upset,” Corff said. Fenris snorted.

                “Imagine that.”

                “Joking aside, I’m glad you worked things out,” Bethany said. Fenris nodded.

                “I am too. I made him a promise that I would stay with him through thick and thin.”

                “Good. He needs it. I’m actually am pretty sorry about your face, by the way. That bruise looks nasty.”

                “So Garrett said. I’m making it a point to never get on your bad side again,” Fenris assured her. Bethany giggled. “Only you would giggle when your temper is discussed.”

                “Of course!” she exclaimed. “It’s why I’m so deadly: no one expects it!” The sweet smile on her face made Fenris laugh and roll his eyes.

                “I wouldn’t say deadly, but I would say dangerous,” he said. Bethany shrugged.

                “I think I’d agree with you there.” Her expression changed to one of impish curiosity. “So tell me how you apologized. I saw that hickey.” Fenris blushed a faint pink, but decided to indulge her.

\---

                Garrett was sound asleep, sprawled across Fenris’ bed, when Fenris got back to his apartment after work. Fenris smiled at how comfortable Garrett looked in only pajama pants. Fenris took off his work clothes and pulled on his own pajama pants, then crawled next to Garrett, kissing his bare shoulder.  Garrett barely stirred, and Fenris was struck with an idea.

                He kissed a trail from Garrett’s shoulder to a nipple, swirling his tongue around the stiffening nub. Garrett groaned, and Fenris wasn’t sure if he was waking up or not. When he didn’t stir, Fenris continued his ministrations, moving to the other nipple, then leaving open-mouthed kisses down Garrett’s chest and stomach, down to the waistband of his pajamas. He licked back up Garrett’s abdomen and up to his neck, kissing and licking over the hickey he had left earlier. Fenris slid his hand down Garrett’s stomach and under his waistband, wrapping his hand around Garrett’s half-hard cock.

                “Hnn… Fenris?” Garrett asked sleepily, coming out of sleep. He started at the sight of Fenris’ hand in his pants.

                “Lay back and enjoy it,” Fenris purred, nipping Garrett’s ear. “Tell me what you want me to do to you.” Garrett bucked into Fenris’ hand.

                “I’m a little… surprised… to wake up… to this,” Garrett said, his words broken by moans.

                “Do you want me to stop?” Fenris asked, pausing.

                “Oh God, no,” Garrett whined, and Fenris smiled. He stroked Garrett’s length, pumping slowly, relishing the mewls he drew out.

                “Tell me what you want me to do to you,” Fenris breathed, his mouth on Garrett’s neck. He nipped and kissed all over Garrett’s neck and collarbones, raising hickeys wherever he could.

                “Just don’t stop. Mark me as yours, Leto,” Garrett groaned. The use of his given name surprised Fenris, both because it was unexpected and because he found himself more aroused by the way Garrett said it. Rather than the commanding, harsh tone he had always heard his father say it in, Garrett was pleading and deferential. He said it with affection and desire, and if Fenris dared to say it, love.

                Fenris bit down on Garrett’s shoulder, hard enough that Garrett gasped and his cock twitched in Fenris’ hand. He bit Garrett’s shoulder again, and Garrett groaned, bucking into Fenris’ hand. Fenris increased his speed, moving up to kiss Garrett. Garrett moaned into his mouth, and Fenris couldn’t help but let out a moan of his own.

                “Are you close?” Fenris asked, nipping at Garrett’s Adam’s apple.

                “Yes, I’m so close,” Garrett whimpered, his hips pumping in time with Fenris’ hand.

                “Then come for me,” Fenris commanded, pumping Garrett’s cock furiously. With a moan that evolved into close to a wail, Garrett came, wetting the inside of his pajama pants and Fenris’ hand. As Garrett came down from his orgasm, breathing heavily, Fenris gently kissed where he had roughly bitten, a surge of relief overcoming him when he saw he hadn't drawn blood. He hadn't thought about the repercussions of drawing blood with his bites until now.

                “I need to wash my hand, I’ll be right back,” Fenris said, smiling at Garrett’s flushed cheeks and dazed expression. Garrett nodded mutely. When he returned, Garrett had changed into just boxer shorts.

                “I didn’t want to sleep in wet pajamas,” Garrett laughed. “I stopped at my place before I came over.” His eyes wandered down to Fenris’ crotch, his half erect state was evident. “Do you want me to…?”

                “Not tonight. It was about you,” Fenris replied, crawling into bed and wrapping his arms around Garrett. He kissed Garrett’s shoulder. “You may have some bruises where I bit too hard. I’m sorry, though it seemed like you liked it.” Garrett grinned.

                “Yeah, I liked it a lot,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of Fenris’ head. “When you said you had some revelations, I never imagined _that._ ”

                “It came as a bit of a surprise to me yesterday,” Fenris admitted. “Thanks, in no small part, to Isabela.”

                “Oh?”

                Fenris recounted his phone call with Isabela. “Thanks to her, I figured out a lot of things. Mostly how much I actually do want to eventually have sex with you.”

                “I’ll wait until you’re ready,” Garrett promised. “What you did tonight, though, was amazing. I’d like to reciprocate soon.”

                “I would like that a lot. Not tonight, though. We should get some sleep,” Fenris said.

                “We should. It’s been an emotionally trying past 48 hours, hasn’t it?” Garrett asked.

                “Yes, it has,” Fenris replied. He added, softly, “Thank you for taking me back.”

                “I couldn’t have said no. I love you.” Garrett said it so simply, so easily. Fenris looked into Garrett’s eyes and saw honesty and vulnerability in the statement. He kissed Garrett, a sweet kiss.

                “I… love you, too,” Fenris said slowly, taking the time to savor the words. And he knew, without fear, that he meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always, always remember to practice safe sex, friends, and get tested routinely. HIV is far too prevalent even today, and it's much, much better to be safe than sorry. Otherwise, have fun and always get consent!


End file.
